Arrested Development

My Biggest Fear, The Conclusion of the Conclusion

2011-09-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

So the tears started to fall, and I could do nothing.

She asks me: When was the last time you cried.

He says: I don't think I have ever cried.

She: Then how do you know how?

He: It wasn't as if I didn't feel anything. The reality of the situation is clear to me. We lost everything. We have nothing. Just a few bricks, and nothing else. The fire that once lit up our eyes is gone. I saw the dirt scatter onto the box just like she did. I just can't make myself expressive. She has sat on that chair for years weeping. She cries all night long. She yells at me because all I can do is stare out the window. Go to the pier and sit. I feel everything, I can hardly even breathe. But what is sitting around wailing all day going to help me? I was in the park the other day looking up at planes as they began to land. It occurred to me that everyone is going somewhere. It brings me comfort, like this cigarette. I know my boy is going somewhere and I hope it is no where near here. I don't want to be anywhere near here..........

She: I wear his ring, but hate every inch of his miserable body. We used to laugh and now I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. This is his fault. I tried. I gave this family everything I have and he never even blinked an eye at me. I wept for him and he covered his face. He hid himself from me. Disconnected when I needed someone...I needed him. He was long gone. He slept in my bed, but lived far away from here.

She: Where did you go? Where are you?
He: I'm in hell. It's like I am stuck in this endless repeating loop that never gets better, and I can never wake up.
She: Do you ever think about me?
He: I can't even see him anymore. I don't remember what he smelled like or what his laugh sounds like. I can only think of that.
She: Do you remember what my laugh sounds like? We used to laugh all the time. You would do that stupid Jerry Seinfeld impression and no one would laugh but me. It was horrible, the worst I had ever seen, but it made me laugh every time. Remember that dance you did when you put your arms out like an idiot and swayed your neck back and forth? I miss you. More than I miss him, I miss you.

The guy: What is you best memory of your son?
He: We used to punch each other in the face. Not hard, well at least mine weren't hard. We would fight. He was the only boy, so I felt I needed to make him tough. He was a sensitive kid like his mom. Every time, it ended with him crying and she would yell at me that I didn't know my own strength. Then one Sunday when he came out of Sunday school he gave me this picture and it was a kind of stick figure drawing of him on my shoulders. He made me so big and strong, and he was so little on top of me......
She: He used to sit and play with my hair...for as long as I would let him. He loved me so much. He was just like me. He had such a big heart. And a smart mind. He used to say he has smart stuff all over his brain. But every time he got hurt, which was all the time, he would scream for mom. I hated to see him cry, but loved that he called out to me............

The guy: When was the last time you two have spoken about him?
She: About 20 years ago. I mentioned that it would have been his 40th birthday. He just started staring out the window again. It has been 48 years since he started staring out that window and he has never stopped. I don't know what he sees out there, but he has missed everything in here...

The guy: What is the thing you most have in common?
He: Him

The guy: Do you still love her?
He: I do. More than I could ever have the courage to tell her. She looks at me like it was all my fault, I feel like I can't give her anything that would repay for what I did.

The guy: Do you feel like it was your fault?
He: All he ever did was watch me. I was a wreck, nowhere near the man I was supposed to be. Nowhere near who she thought I was. I just couldn't be that man. I don't have it in me, inside I have only myself and every memory I ever made with him. I don't want to live, and I don't want to die. I just don't want to feel anything. I am afraid of living the rest of my life in my own flesh and I am afraid to face God knowing He has seen who I am; Knowing all that He has given me was wasted and lost on me.

The guy: Do you think he went to heaven?
She: Oh, I know he did.
He: If there is a heaven, and I believe there is. I have to. It was made for kids like him.............

The guy: What happened immediately following the loss of your son?

He: I sat in the grass with my suit on, pretending he was sitting on my lap. I was holding his head and swaying back and forth to the rhythm of the wind through the trees. I refused for years to believe he was gone, that he was actually not right here with me laying on my chest. I couldn't get the smell of his hair out of my nostrils, I couldn't stop feeling his hand running through my hair. I lost any resemblance of who I knew myself to be. I am not that guy anymore. I took so many chances with things that were too important to risk and I lost everything. I have nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The Guy: Do you feel you still have your wife?

He: I checked out years ago. We are separate. We coexist, but we have nothing but hatred for me.

She: I never hated you! Never once did I ever blame you for anything but leaving. Ever. All I ever wanted...needed, was for you to be there to lift me up and lead. But you left me all alone with this. You didn't shed one tear for me, you just left. You sat at the table, and paid all of the bills but were married to something else. You were married to your misery, like it was some kind of person or something. You refused to let it go, and fell deeply and madly in love with your own sadness. Do you see how awful that sounds?

The Guy: Why do you think you are here?

He: If there is even a little chance of saving whatever might be left, I have to take it. She wanted to come, so I came.

She: For 48 years, all I have ever wanted was you. I have been praying that you would change and wake up. But you never did. I have always loved you. I may hate you now, but have always desired nothing but you. I meant it when I said my vows, and you just left yours at the grave. Wake up. There is nothing going on outside that window of yours. Everyone is living the same life we are in here. Wake up.

The Guy: Who are you? Define yourself.

She: I am his wife forever. I am a mother and I am a widow as far as I can tell.

He: I don't know what I am. I am sorry, and that's all I really know. I am sorry I let you down. I am sorry I can't shake this. I am sorry I pissed on everything God has given me. I am sorry I have squandered everything. I am sorry I have wasted my life. I just don't want to be me. I cannot define who I am because I don't know what I am. There is no definition for a man who loves so deeply he can no longer feel it. There is no word for a guy like that.

The Guy: Why can't you tell that to her?

He: She doesn't get it. She will never understand because I don't. She is normal and I don't know what that feels like anymore. I will give her anything she asks, but I don't know how to give her what is inside of me. I just breathe in and out, then move to the next one. I have never been good with words or with gestures. I have never been emotionally forthcoming. It isn't me. Right now, I don't know what to say to her. Just because tears aren't pouring from my eyes every day, doesn't mean I m alive at all inside. I died the day we dropped dirt on that little box. I swear, if I knew how to, I would be everything she wants me to be.

She: I just want you to be the man I married. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't even expect progress, I just want this man back.

He: I never left.

She: But you do nothing but stare out that window.

He: You know why I stare out that window? I am looking for him. I look for him in every kid I see out there playing in the snow. I see him in all of the kids riding their bicycles. I look out there because I can't stand what is going on in here. Siege. Loss. Despair. The pain is so intense that sometimes I think I want to end everything right here. I have to look outside at the birds and the sway in the trees and remember that there is something out there worth living for.

She: I am not worth living for?

He: You aren't you either. You look at me different. We both know I am to blame. We both know that if I weren't so stubborn...

She: Never. For one moment, did I ever blame you for losing him. I blame you for for losing you too. What do you have left?

He: I don't know.

She: That won't do.

He: I feel empty.

The guy: How do you...

He: Shut up

She: shut up

She: You have to fight for us.

He: I am here. Right here. Right now. I remember everything. The way we met, the way we held each other. I can remember the first time we kiss and to you it seemed like forever and to me it was torture resisting. It was so hard to control myself. The feelings I had were so intense. I knew you were it. I knew you were the one. From the first time I met you, I knew it. I would have married you on our first date. I would marry you again right now.

She: Do you still feel the same way? Do you still love me?

He: I do. I am torn apart, but the one thing I have left is you. The most important part.

She: Than maybe we can start there. Do it all over again. Maybe we can make a family again, free from the guilt and shame. Just you and me.

He: I would love that.

5 Years later....

"He sleeps all day. He might get up at noon to pee, then right back to sleep until he wakes to patrol the night. He stares out the window until we go to bed, then God knows what. I get up and go into the living room and he is gone. I check the basement and the garage and he is gone. At some point, he makes it into the bed undetected, but is missing for all intents and purposes from my life. I have fought for him and he swears he is just walking." "Where to?" I ask. "No answer. Nothing from him. Then a couple weeks later, he gets arrested. He gets picked up for stopping traffic, on foot, with nothing abnormal in his blood. They told him to get help. So I did. I signed for him to be evaluated and committed. I was called the same day to come and get him. When I get there, the doctor tells me he sees nothing wrong with him at all, maybe just a panic attack or something. Said he was eloquent. Eloquent? Really? He spoke eloquently? He won't even look at me in the eyes."

The Guy: "Why are you here?"

"What? I am here to petition the court to commit my husband. He needs help. I love him very much, but he needs help. Our son died and he died with him. I just want to know if there is any hope left that he might still be the same person I married someday. Do you think he can come back?"

The Guy: "I think anything is possible. I have seen the worst cases come back with their families to see me happier than they have ever seen. If anything, I believe in hope. There is always that light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is distant and dim."

"That's what I told him last time I went to see him."

The Guy: "Where did you go to see him?"

"At the hospital. I forgot to tell you, the courts did put him away for good...they say. I don't know about the the permanence of his sentence, but he is safe from himself and is getting his mind stabilized."

The Guy: "Do you know what caused him to lose his mind?"

"It was definitely the loss of our son many years ago. He never recovered. It was his fault. He killed him on a four wheeler. He always took risks and I always yelled at him to stop and he never listened."

The Guy: "When did you last see your husband?"

"Seems like a hundred years ago. I think it might have been in 1988?" "I went to see him at the hospital. They said he was having a bad day...said they couldn't get a response from him, but I disagree. I spoke with him and tried to explain how sick he was and that he would get better soon. He just needed to hold my hand and close his eyes. He needed to remember that he still has me. He squeezed my hand."

The Guy: "Where are we right now?

"At his court hearing...trying to figure out if he can come home. Why do you ask?"

The Guy: "Do you blame yourself for your son's death?"

"No, why?"

The Guy: "Where are we right now...this second...look around."

She scans the room. She sees a door with a window. She sees a table in front of her. She sees a pack of cigarettes in front of her. She sees a picture of a family drawn by a child in crayon on the wall. She sits confused.

The Guy: "Where are we?"

"I don't know. I don't know!"

The Guy: "Did you run over your son?"

"No! He did!"

The Guy: "Why are we here?"

"Because he killed him! He killed my baby!" He needs help right now! Right now!"

The Guy: "That's all for today. You have made some progress. I will be back next week to check on him."

She leaves the office as the lights dim from golden to pale yellow, leaving the Guy sitting alone in a chair. The lines on the wooden paneling shift to widen their territory. The wood thickens to plaster, then stone painted with a off white color. The light that squeezed through the openings of the closed blinds filled with a deafening roar of horrible screams and weeping. He looks down at his hands as they shake the black and white composition notebook with a coffee stain on the cover. He makes a fist with his off hand in an attempt to subdue the tremors. The lights are getting darker and his gaze fixes to the floor that was just carpeting moments ago. His face hits the cold cement floor and he falls asleep next to the medicine cup lying upside down next to his lunch tray that has been dumped with the lunch that it had served.

My Biggest Fear, The Conclusion

2011-09-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

8:15

2010-10-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

Kid: The kids gets up. Eats a bowl of Captain Crunch, then goes to school and shoots 15 people.
Counselor: How does that make you feel?
Kid: What? How would that make anyone feel. I thought he was bluffing. He talked about it all the time. Told me he was going to make everyone pay for what they have done that no one ever sees. Tells me that the popular kids can't do anything wrong, no matter what they get themselves in to. Even the bad publicity is good for them. Then he goes to school, pulls out like 17 guns and ends people's lives.
Counselor: What was it like for you to see what you saw?
Kid: We were just walking. He told me that I could still get in if I wanted. I laughed it off. He pulled out an assault rifle and shot me first in the stomach. They everyone started running. Papers were flying everywhere, bullets whizzing by everyone's heads. He was just smiling. I couldn't believe it. I felt guilty instantly.
Counselor: Do you feel bad that you didn't stop it.
Kid: No, I couldn't stop it. I am lucky to be alive...or am I? 14 out of the 15 people he shot are dead. Because he made sure they were dead. He would shoot one, then go over to them and stand over their bodies and shoot them like 10 more times. Except for me. I don't know why he didn't shoot me again.

More later...

My Biggest Fear

2010-07-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

Sleep

2010-06-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

"I'm gonna disappear soon. Into the night like a balloon released to the clouds. I may never come back, but you will now I still exist." "I'll send you postcards from the edge of hell, but I will postmark them Heaven.""You will smile when you get them and feel warm as this will be the night you will be able to sleep. Finally."

Little Pieces (In Progress very slowely)

2009-08-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

So the tears started to fall, and I could do nothing.

Sammy Crowbar

2009-04-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

Sam was sitting on the tire swinging
Think about the little things
Until the teacher counts all your fingers
Push her down before the bell begins to ring

Skin the knee on a gravel swingset
Make a home among the trees
Gather into a cedar boardroom
Prick the finger until it starts to bleed

Chorus
You look lovely in that window, please stay
Until you come down, take it all away
And leave me before it's all too late

Pull a knife on a candy dealer
Lie about the little things
Scratch my head at equation problems
Hide in towers until you start to sink

Take a lesson from Sammy Crowbar
He had problems with dirty ink
Splattered colors on a denim canvas
Sammy painted all the love that he could eat

Serial Killers 2 Week 4

2009-02-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

Richard Chase the Vampire of Sacramento
Serial Killers
Week 4
It was a normal day at the hospital. Doctors milling around with clip boards examining patients. Nurses scurrying trying to get all of the patients happy and rested. A waiting room gushed with the sick and injured sitting quiet, waiting for their turn to be healed. A young man sits in the waiting room chair bouncing his legs up and down impatiently fearing the worst has happened. Fearing he would be soon dead of heart failure. He cannot wait a minute longer. He leaps to his feet and shouts at all who work there that he needs to be seen, “Someone has stolen my pulmonary artery!”
Richard Chase was a severe hypochondriac, paranoid of everything. Afraid that if something could be wrong with him, they would be. He even invented ways in which he was sick. He invented something called “Soapdish poisoning.” He explained that everyone owns a soapdish, the things you put your bar of soap on. If you lift up the soap, and it was dry underneath, you were fine. If you lifted it up and it was gooey under there, you had been poisoned. When infected, your blood would begin to disintegrate into powder and needed more blood to replace it. He often complained that the bones were growing out of his head, and that his stomach was backwards.
Richard was put into psychiatric treatment die to all of the things he had wondering around in his mind. They had learned of his childhood through his warped stories. He admitted to torturing and killing small animals growing up and to heavy drug use as a teenager to today. In his early teens he began killing cats and told about the belief that his blood was turning to powder and needed more blood injected to treat it. Despite the doctors wishes and observations, Richard was released into the world after being deemed harmless. That is a pattern of many of these serial killer stories. At some point, someone had the chance to make a difference, and in every occasion, the patient was looked over, underestimated and set free, deemed harmless only to kill people. Says something about the way this country works and speaks also to the ways in which we often treat people. Pretending others are just numbers and by passing the opportunities we get to make a difference.
Richard was released and went back home, only to find that the state had given his parents money to care for him, but they would not let him live in their home, they were afraid of him. So he lived in an apartment unwatched, and it was here that things went all wrong. His family very seldom visited him and they denied him the chance to see them too. His mother weaned him off the drugs the doctors gave him thinking he did not need them, except they still stayed away out of fear. I think it had more to do with the money the drugs cost, than the fact he didn’t need them, or so they thought. He got crazier and crazier finding stray dogs and cats and bringing them into his apartment and mutilating them to drink their blood to treat his powdering blood problem. He once even inject an animals blood into his own veins, making himself violently ill in the process. Richard was extremely malnourished as he weighed only 115 pounds and he was 5’11. He had no drivers license so he stalked around the neighborhood looking for animals and pretty much creeping everyone out. There are so many cases of serial killers who were careful and reserved, where none of their family or friends suspected anything, or the neighbors had no idea, this was not the case with Richard. The whole neighborhood was scared of this guy as he would randomly walk around town with blood around his lips and on his clothes. He began reading about stories of the Hillside Strangler, a serial killer at the time and became obsessed. He was tired of hunting animals all of the time, they were too hard to catch and this Hillside Strangler seemed to have no problem getting humans and not getting caught. So out of curiosity at first, he buys a semi-automatic .22 caliber rifle and takes a car and drives around the town shooting at houses. By accident, or not really, he hits a man in the back, killing him. This was the first of several horrific murders that’s details are so unthinkable, they are hard to even comprehend.
Robert and Barbara Edwards were returning from grocery shopping when they heard noises from inside the house, some crashing and some glass breaking. They were the window pop in the back and he was running away having apparently heard them coming. The police said this was just a random beak in with the motive being theft and left it alone. However, there was some evidence that a more sinister thing was taking place as they found in their child’s bedroom, that the man had peed in the drawer of the babies clean clothing and pooped on his bed. Doesn’t sound too much like a robbery to me, how about you? Later Robert would tell authorities that he would mill around the neighborhood checking each person’s doors and if the were locked, that meant he was not welcome. If they were unlocked, he was free to come in. And apparently poop on their kids beds.
He continued this when he came across the home of Teresa Wallin, a three month pregnant woman. He shot her mailbox in broad daylight and walked right in shooting two shots at her. The first went into her hand that she held up in defense, and the second her head. He then shot her in the temple and began some very strange and sickening procedures. He raped her, and stabbed her multiple times in various places and began removing her organs and cutting them open, pouring their blood and fluids into an empty yogurt container and drinking them. When he was finished, he tried to place the organs back into the body and put animal poop in her mouth. He killed the baby that was inside of her in a way I will not talk about and left the woman to be found by her husband.
He then turned his attention to another house. Evelyn Miroth, who was babysitting her nephew at the time. Her friends Danny was over as well, when he entered shooting the quiet gun and killing Danny and Jason, the nephew and then killing Evelyn in the bathtub. He did the same treatment to them he did with Teresa, his previous victim, drinking their blood and leaving their mutilated bodies behind. He would leave them as his clothes were covered in blood and teeth stained with it. He would speak to others in this condition with no regard or care of being caught at all. He was reckless, and that is what got him caught.
The police searched his apartment and found that is was a haven of rot. Rotting flesh laying everywhere. Human brains on the plate, rotting animal all over the place. A smell that could make dog poop puke. They found a series of blenders that were used for grinding up the organs and making smoothies that would aid in adding “Better blood” into his body. All of the details of their findings are irrelevant and too terrible to disclose, but it was a mess.
Richard was tried and sentenced to death. As he sat on death row, he decided to allow an author to interview him, where he gave more and more details of his killings, and simply saw the victims as a means to save his life. He claims it was not human blood he lusted for. He was afraid for his life and still is. The humans were an easier way to get the blood needed to keep him alive. It was nothing personal. It was pretty personal to the families of those he slaughtered. He committed suicide at the request of the others on death row who did not like him alive around them. He overdosed on anti-anxiety pills and was found dead in his cell weighing less than a hundred pounds due to his fear that his food would poison him.
Fear and Selfishness. Have you ever seen the movie Titanic. When the boat goes down, there is this guy who tries to use the woman’s head to keep him alive, not caring that he is drowning her. We see it on Black Friday when selfish people trample another to death for a sale. This isn’t even out of fear for their lives, this is out of greed. People will do some pretty crazy things when their lives are in jeopardy or in the case of Richard, think their lives are in jeapardy.
In Richards case, he was messed up. He had all of the signs of someone who would kill growing up, the torturing animals and weirdness. He had not gone overboard though until he began using drugs like a madman, meanwhile messing up his brain and triggering many different chemical imbalances making him hallucinate even when sober and have these detestable and imaginative ideas and anxieties. Richard did truly believe he was dying of blood poisoning as all of the evidence shows. He feared for his life. Does that make him not responsible? In not way does that give him a pass. He knew and admitted, he was messed up, but did nothing. He chose to purposefully not take his meds and to disregard other human and animal life just to save his own. The point is that when we fear, we have the capability to act out in ways that disregard everyone else around us. Kill or be killed attitudes are not from God, but perpetuated by those in our culture who wish to get ahead.
When people fear vulnerable, they fear. When people fear, they often think only for themselves. They act out. When people do not like themselves much or feel like they have qualities that are unattractive, they try to mask those qualities in fear of being found out. In doing that, many turn to hurting others to put the focus on the other instead of themselves. This is the attitude of the bully. This is usually the case when you get a person who tries to hurt others, they are usually trying to mask their own fear. It happens in your schools, it happens in relationships, many times occurring as abuse, and it happens right here at Liquid and it is stupid.
Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
Here is Jesus weeping blood from his face out of so much fear. He is about to me mutilated and He knows it. He is about to undergo the worst punishment that mankind has ever seen and ever will see again in just a few hours. The soldiers are in the garden to come and get him and He prays to His Father for another way to redeem the whole world of it’s sin. He knows there is no other answer, but in His humanity, he fears and wishes their were. Instead of throwing everyone else under the bus to save Himself, and instead of lying His way to freedom which He had so many chances to do. He allows what must happen for the greater good of mankind, the salvation of mankind. He allows the torture, the punishment for uncommitted crimes, and the rejection of those He loves, which is everyone. He endures it.
John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
Mark 9:35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.”
Gen. 4:9 Then the LORD said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
This last one is really interesting because Cain killed Abel his brother because he was jealous and fearful he would be found out as a fraud by giving the garbage to God as a sacrifice. Of course God knew he was doing it. Cain asks the question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” The answer is yes, he is, but he has killed his brother out of selfishness and fear and jealousy.
We need to put ourselves behind others. Stop thinking only about ourselves and think about others. That is how we show Jesus in our lives to others. That is how souls are won to eternity in Heaven. People attract to real things, and Christ’s love in you is very real.
Close

Serial Killers 2 Week 3

2009-02-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

Jon and Robert
Serial Killers 2
Week 3

"The violent child is the most potent image of violated innocence that we have. If humankind is capable of this, then perhaps we are beyond redemption." — Ian McEwan
Mother Denise Bulger walked into the Strand shopping mall with her son 3 year old James and her brother’s girlfriend to shop and to return some things. They took their time shopping and enjoying their day. It was a school day, so most children were in school and the mall was peaceful. James was getting a little restless and beginning to get a little whiny. Denise left the boy for a moment with the brothers girlfriend in the store as she went across the hall to get him something to snack on. Leaving him at the doorway alone.
Jon Venerables and Robert Thompson were cutting school that day and decided to go to the mall to steal some things and cause some trouble. They were both rambunctious 10 year old who had a long line of problems. They met when Jon had tried to strangle out of anger a classmate in his old school. He was sent to another school for a fresh start. His parents wrote it off to the fact that he was stressed over their latest separation, which had been a regular occurrence with his family His parents had made it a habit to keep separating, then reuniting. He was the middle of three children, both siblings had severe developmental problems. The instability of his home life made all of the children act out in anger getting them all in trouble often, but nothing too serious. Jon was a puny child, much smaller than the other kids his age and very frail in his appearance.
Robert was known around the neighborhood for his antics. Whenever something happened, the police always came to question him, and often it was him who did it. He was an abused child with 5 abused siblings. The son of an alcoholic mother and abusive father who later had abandoned the family for good. With all of the abuse in the house, Robert had to contend with the abuse from his older siblings who had grown very violent and gave the abuse they suffered back to him. He in turn focused his abuse on his younger brother. He had an odd relationship with his little brother. At night they would use each other as a comfort blanket of sorts, sleeping together and sucking each other’s thumbs. However, there were times that Robert was mean and brutal to his little brother, once even abandoning him at a canal. This canal would soon be notorious.
Jon and Robert were in the mall that day cutting school and getting into trouble. They enjoyed stealing. Not to keep the things they stole, most of the time they abandoned the things they took. They would run up and hit old people, then run, take things and throw them threw the mall. They were growing more and more destructive and more and more stupid as the day went on. One of the two boys suggested to the other to take a child and get it lost to scare it’s parents. Unfortunately, the other agreed. They approached a child while his mother was distracted and lured it to them, the child came, but mom turned and saw and they quickly pretended to be playing with the kid and sent it back to their mother. Almost caught. They then tried again, this time finding Denise Bulger distracted buying food and her child James standing at the door. They took him by the hand and lured him with them down the hall and right out the door. Not much is known about the reason that the kids decided to take this kid out of the mall to get it lost, but they did. They walked the child around town for a while when the reached the canal, the place Robert had abandoned his brother. It was here that they first hurt James. One of them picked him up and dropped him on his head forming a large bump and bruise with a cut that bled down his head. The boys ran away as if this was going to be the end of it, they had taken a step further than planned and the baby was now hurt. Someone came along and saw the child and at the same time, the two boys either felt sorry for what they had done and wanted to get the boy, or wanted to do more harm returned to the child acting as if it was their little brother took him and comforted them as the woman went about her business. Almost caught again. The two boys left the canal with James and lost their plan I think as they just began wandering around the city hanging out at shops, holding James hand as he cried for his mother. A fire broke out down the road, so they stopped in to see that for a while, then headed off walking in plain daylight with the child. A motorist was driving by and witnessed Robert kick the boy in the ribs in what he described as a “persuading kick” but the motorist did and said nothing, just kept driving. Almost caught again.
“A woman saw James running between the two boys and assumed they were playing. At another intersection, James began to cry for his mother again. He ran off and almost ran into traffic, but Robert caught him and pulled him back. Motorists watched the boys as they crossed the street and could see that James was crying, dragging his heels. Some thought James was crying because he was not allowed to run free. But others wondered where the parents were.
Jon carried James by the legs, while Robert held him by the chest. They awkwardly carried the boy to a grassy plateau by a reservoir where they sat on a step and rested, placing James between them. A woman walking her dog passed them by and noticed that little James was laughing. But moments later, another person saw Jon punch James, grabbing him and violently shaking him. For some inexplicable reason, this witness pulled her curtains, shutting out the scene. It was growing dark.” (CrimeLibrary.com) Almost caught again.
A little later a young woman noticed the little boys injuries on his head that had been covered with a scarf and wanted to escort the kids to the police station down the street to have them look at it. The boys lied and lied, and she knew it but had a small child of her own so she asked a person walking their dog if they could watch her daughter while she escorted them to the station. The dog walker said no because the dog did not like children. The boys lied and said the station was on the way home and they could get there fine alone. The woman allowed them to leave and went on her way. Almost caught again. This would be the last chance anyone got to stop the vicious kids.
The boys got tired of walking and had no real plan so they headed to the railroad tracks, and that is where things went to another level. Jon flung some blue paint into the eyes of the child, something he had seen on Child’s Play 3 with his father who watched nothing but horror movies. He did this to dehumanize the child. To make him look like something not human to deal with what they were about to do with him. The boys then began throwing stones at him, then hit him with bricks. Then after hurting him near fatally, the inserted AA batteries into his rectum to try and bring him back to life like some kind of robot. They then beat him more and left his body halfway on a set of train tracks with his face covered in bricks. The boy was left their alive, but died later before or after his body was cut in half at the waist by a passing train. The boys went home to their lives and the search for the killers had begun. The body was found by some children playing soccer and reported. The mall tapes were examined to show the two kids escorting the child out of the mall. The kids had not even tried to cover up the murder as they came home with blood on their clothes and blue paint on their jackets. They were caught and interrogated. While being questioned, they each blamed only each other accidently admitting to several things before they cracked and Jon admitted to killing the boy, but then explained how it was Robert who did the most damage. The boys were found guilty and sentenced to 8 years in juvie, then they would be transported to the adult prison at the sentence discretion of the Lord Chief Justice which was a judge in England. In later years, different politicians at the anger of the citizens increased the sentence to 15 years, which was later found to be illegal. In the end, the court awarded the parents of the killers their defense money they had paid to the lawyers and deemed that the trial was unfair because the prosecution had elevated the seats of the killers to make them look older. The boys had their sentences reduced to 8 years and promised identity protection for the rest of their lives. In 2001, the boys were released with new names, birth certificates and everything else and moved to Australia to live free and happy.
Matt. 18:6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
This is a little different in this series because most of the killers were mass murderers and this is the story of one death. But it isn’t the amount of people killed we are looking at today, it is the gruesomeness of the children that killed another child. This was not some grown up, sick dude that stalked and killed, these were kids themselves, ten year old kids. What causes a ten year old to do such things? What made these two different from any other ten year old.
Abuse. Neglect. Rejection.
Last week we talked about how no one else could be blamed for the actions that you commit because you had the choice, you had many ways out. How about a child influenced by and with another child who had been raised in a lifestyle of abuse and anger? In the case of a child, you must look first to mental insanity, then to the home life of the kids to even attempt to figure out what went wrong. The kids were both deemed sane by psychiatrists, being that they understood that death was forever and that they had taken someone’s life, so now they had to look at their upbringing.
Many people want to kill these two freed men because they feel justice was not served. I read they only spent 8 years in juvy and even got solid educations, and I think, wow, how unfair for taken the life of another person, a child, and how they did it. However, we need to understand that a kid is a kid who needs to be taught and disciplined, loved, nurtured, and trained into a grown up. 10 years old is not a grown up, it is a child who neither of them got the love, and nurture, and discipline, only pain. They learned only pain and rejection and they acted out.
For this one we have to look and point the finger at the parents. People think that they can act however they want and do whatever they want and it will have no effect on the kids. It means everything. This may seem premature and out of the ordinary here for me to talk about parenting to teenagers, but one day, most of you will have kids and my prayer is that you remember this night.
Back to verse. It is clearly our responsibility to raise our children in Christ. To give them all they need to survive this nasty world.
Prov. 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
This is the point to reproduction. Our kids are not our own, they belong to God and are entrusted to us to teach them about God, their Father in Heaven, their Creator. We do not have the choice to raise “Our kids” “Our way.” The Bible says that in the last days people will be lovers of themselves, which means people will be selfish and live however they want forgetting how it effects others, especially themselves. Parents are given the responsibility to give their children all of the things God gives us because as a parent, we model Jesus to our children. When we choose to put ourselves first, we hurt those that are being put behind us. These two kids didn’t deserve to be abused, they didn’t deserve the neglect or rejection. They were just kids. They made a series of bad choices that were only reflection of the bad choices their parents had continually made in their lives. All the knew was pain. They were developmentally able to grasp what they were doing and that there was a way out and something better because hey were controlled by their circumstances.
Matt. 10:21 “Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death.
If God asks you what you did with the people he has entrusted to you, what do you want to say. You don’t have kids now, but it is important for you to formulate a plan now for when you do how you are going to parent those children. Are you going to tell God “I just fell out of love with the father or mother, that’s why we split the family up?” Are you going to tell Him you were drunk all time? How about you just have a bad temper and take it too far sometimes. Are you going to say those things to God, because He isn’t listening. We need to make a plan right now to give our children a Godly upbringing and protect them from the evils of this world. A child should never feel abuse, or rejection, or brokenness. A child should be happy and full of love and hope.

This is a picture of the victim.

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Serial Killers 2 Week 2

2009-02-16T11:51:00.001-08:00

This is a series based on the some of the darkest of sins. It is a series intended to show the lives of certain serial killers, to show their humanity, and to highlight the things that cause this kind of death in a person that would compel them to kill another in cold blood. Be advised, there are graphic materials in his series and during the duration of my studies for this one, I have become depressed, saddened, and disheartened.

Jerry Brudos
Serial Killers 2
Week 2

Looks like Haley Joel Osment in a bunch of years doesn’t it? Hopefully they do not share the same fate.
Jerry Brudos was seventeen when the police arrived at his parents house and arrested him. They had gotten a report from a teenage girl that he had tried to kidnap her with the intention of taking pornographic photos of her. He had beaten her up and when arrested had no problem telling the police the truth. He was put in psychiatric treatment for 9 months. While in treatment, Jerry confessed some alarming things. He told about how he had dug a large hole in the ground, a place to where in his fantasies he could hide sex slaves, making them obey his every command. He admitted to breaking into women’s houses and stealing their shoes, underwear, and clothing. After 7 months of treatment, the center decided to release him back into the general public, citing him as being borderline schizophrenic and of no real harm to society. Those doctors probably should lose their licenses after what Jerry Brudos did after his release.
Jerry grew up in a very dysfunctional home. He was born of a woman who did not want another boy after having 2 prior. She treated him badly, she treated him as someone who was not wanted, loved, or valuable to the family, especially her. His development was stunted from birth. He began in time to hate his mother. He had fascinations with other woman different from him as he dreamed that his life would have started out being loved by one of these other woman who cared and loved their children. He dreamed of having a different mother and a different life, one without so much pain. His mind became warped, and at the tender age of 5 he began trying on women’s shoes after he had found a pair in a dumpster nearby his home. It was exhilarating to do this. It made him powerful, like his mother. It is very common in these killers to see that some had this kind of hate obsession relationship with their mothers. On one hand they would want nothing more but to kill them, and on the other they are to obsessed with them and controlled emotionally to break free from their grasp. So they mimic them. Jerry began at this age to wear women’s clothing, mostly shoes and underwear, and to start breaking into their homes and raping them, stealing their clothing as he left. At this point, none of the women were killed until one day, a magazine sales woman showed up at his door.
Jerry had previously found a woman opposite of his mother and married her having children as well. His wife was submissive at every turn. She was resigned to let him do what he was going to do and not make a fuss about it. Although she did not know what he was doing, she trusted and resigned herself to leave it alone, even when she found developed pictures of bound and nude women. Even when she was instructed to never go into the attic or the woodshed.
This day the sales woman was lured, with Jerry’s family inside the house, out to the woodshed. As she entered, he hit her with a board and raped and killed her. After he finished the, he cleaned up with some rags, went right in the house and asked the family if they would like to go have dinner with him at a local restaurant. After this day, he was hooked on murder and sexual deviancy. Killing at least 4 women, and raping and assaulting several more. He was remorseless. He saw his mother in ever one of these woman and took out his anger on them.
A very short account of what Jerry did to his victims:
Linda Slawson was raped, then killed, then raped again. A foot was removed, then she was tied to an engine and thrown into the river. Jerry then used her severed foot to try on shoes and to take pictures.
Jan Whitney, was killed and raped. They hung and stored for several days by a hook in the shed. One of her breasts were removed to make a plastic mold of it into a paper weight.
Karen Sprinker was killed, raped, then hung from the ceiling. Her breasts removed, then dumped into the river.
Linda Salee was killed, raped and he inserted wires into her sides to make her body dance with electrical current.
Jerry Brudos was arrested when he was identified by one of the woman he had attacked. From the jail, he insisted that his wife hide the women’s clothing and the photos and all of the awful things he had collected. She agreed, so he confessed with pride assuming they would never have any evidence to prove his claims were true. To his dismay, the wife had had enough. She found the evidence and was appalled and sickened. She removed nothing. The police came and searched the place finding everything that had gone on in this house right under his families nose. He was sentence to 3 consecutive life sentences and died in prison after serving 36 years. Even to the end, he showed no remorse for killing anyone. Only blame. He blamed his mother, an electrical accident, insanity, and police cohertion but never showed remorse.
2 things were at play in his messed up thinking. 1. He says he was forced to dress and act like a female as a child and was deeply hated and resented because he was a boy. So his impression of what it looked like to be a normally growing and maturing boy and man, got severely distorted. This accounts for the women’s clothing. It is common for boys with overbearing mothers and i mean extremely overbearing mothers to act out in effeminate ways. 2. His anger at being hated by his mother and his inability to experience genuine love and affection, caused a lack of humanity in him. Mix the fact that he had no respect for human life with the fact that he was terribly angry at his mother, making him hate woman, and we get a cold-blooded killer who will not feel and ounce of remorse probably for the rest of his life.
The story we have looked at today is a particularly sad one. Here on one hand, we had this kid that had the misfortune of being born a boy to a psycho mother who wanted a girl. We had this kid that struggled with his identity, and longed to feel normal, but it never happened for him. He was deranged and broken, and was not getting much help from anyone. Even when all of the warning signs were spelled out for those in the institution when he was 17, they still ignored his cry for help and set him free to become a monster.
Once he took that step from fantasy to reality he could not turn back. He became something different. He became this monster who with no fear of consequence and with great arrogance randomly ending the precious lives of unsuspecting women.
It is really important to note that man has a choice regardless of the circumstances they are handed. The Israelites used to sing this song blaming their fathers and forefathers for the mistakes them made.
Jer. 31:29 “In those days people will no longer say, ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.’ 30 Instead, everyone will die for his own sin; whoever eats sour grapes—his own teeth will be set on edge.
This is simply telling us that we cannot blame our upbringing for the things we have done. We have a choice to change what our culture calls “sick cycles” or to follow along the same cycle and allow it to negatively change the course of our lives.
Jerry Brudos was dealing with these two issues he could not let go of. Because he had not experienced lover personally, he did see it in other people, enough to know that it was out there, that it existed, however, I don’t believe he thought it existed for him. He just could not do away with the anger he felt and hatred for the person that hurt him, he would not I should say. Could implies he had no choice and he did.
There is this book called “A Child Called It” and it is about how this little boy was beaten and tortured and made a slave by his crazy parents. It is diary of sorts written by the man who went through things far worse than Jerry Brudos. This man got up, decided not to let his parents victimize him anymore by letting them ingrain hate in him, and forgive them. He grew up, had a family and wrote a book about to help other abused people to see that there is a way out. Mr. Brudos had a way out, he chose not to take it. He chose to resign himself to his perversions and allow them full reign, which we all know leads to death. He chose to hate and to allow that hate and unforgiveness for his mother rule his life. He needed help, he needed God, yet he chose the perverse.
This is what not forgiving those that hurt you produces. Hate. You may not and you had better not go off and take a persons life, but it breeds the same hatred and anger and affects us in the same ways. it causes us to be jealous, to wish harmful things on another, and to murder in our hearts.
Matt. 5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
Saying murderous things about another person is the same thing. Slandering another, saying horrible things about another, and cursing another is murderous. The cause death in both people, but especially you.
See, the misconception is that we are getting back at the person by hating them and not forgiving them. This is incorrect. Do you think someone who hurt you so bad cares at all that you haven’t forgiven them? Do you think they care if you burn with anger inside? It doesn’t affect them like it does you. It burns you, it makes you miserable. Forgiveness settles you.
Psa. 39:1 I said, “I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.” 2 But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. 3 My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue:
We can try all of the relaxation techniques we hear of. We can do Yoga twice a day to relax, but if we do not forgive, our anger will rule and we will act. Just like David describes here. We have been hurt, most of us at least, but all of us will be hurt again and again. If we do not make it our mission to practice lives of forgiveness, where we throw off what others have done, remembering they are human too and make mistakes, we will live lives in anger and act out in that anger. I chose to live in anger for the majority of my life.
I thought since I didn’t have a father, I had a right to be pissed at the world. Since the law didn’t help me, I hated the system and the government. Since I had been abandoned, I felt like everyone would abandon me, so I allowed that to make me anti-social and full of lies. It made me an actor in my own little psychotic world in which I was king. It made it me against the world and that attitude will cause nothing but pain I promise. It wasn’t until I started forgiving others that Jesus forgiveness became real to me.
It can be real to you too.

Serial Killers 2 Week 1

2009-02-16T11:42:00.000-08:00

This is a series based on the some of the darkest of sins. It is a series intended to show the lives of certain serial killers, to show their humanity, and to highlight the things that cause this kind of death in a person that would compel them to kill another in cold blood. Be advised, there are graphic materials in his series and during the duration of my studies for this one, I have become depressed, saddened, and disheartened.

Albert Fish
Serial Killers 2
Week 1

There are few killers in American history that are remembered today as being as deranged and fiendish as the seemingly kind and harmless, Albert Fish. He looked like every child's favorite grandfather but behind the quiet facade of his silver hair and mustache lurked a hideous monster who preyed on the young and the innocent with his horrific "instruments of hell" -- a meat cleaver, a butcher knife and a saw. He was the self-admitted molester of more than 400 children during a span of 20 years and in the words of one of the shocked psychiatrists who examined him, he lived a life of "unparalleled perversity." Albert Fish remains one of the oldest men ever executed in the electric chair but it was a death that came too late for many of his victims. (prairighosts)
A Letter From Hell
"My dear Mrs. Budd,
In 1894 a friend of mine shipped as a deck hand on the Steamer Tacoma, Capt. John Davis. They sailed from San Francisco for Hong Kong China. On arriving there he and two others went ashore and got drunk. When they returned the boat was gone. At that time there was famine in China. Meat of any kind was from $1 to 3 Dollars a pound. So great was the suffering among the very poor that all children under 12 were sold for food in order to keep others from starving. A boy or girl under 14 was not safe in the street. You could go in any shop and ask for steak -- chops -- or stew meat. Part of the naked body of a boy or girl would be brought out and just what you wanted cut from it. A boy or girls behind which is the sweetest part of the body and sold as veal cutlet brought the highest price. John staid there so long he acquired a taste for human flesh. On his return to N.Y. he stole two boys one 7 one 11. Took them to his home stripped them naked tied them in a closet. Then burned everything they had on. Several times every day and night he spanked them -- tortured them -- to make their meat good and tender. First he killed the 11 year old boy, because he had the fattest ass and of course the most meat on it. Every part of his body was Cooked and eaten except the head -- bones and guts. He was Roasted in the oven (all of his ass), boiled, broiled, fried and stewed. The little boy was next, went the same way. At that time, I was living at 409 E 100 st., near -- right side. He told me so often how good Human flesh was I made up my mind to taste it. On Sunday June the 3 --1928 I called on you at 406 W 15 St. Brought you pot cheese -- strawberries. We had lunch. Grace sat in my lap and kissed me. I made up my mind to eat her. On the pretense of taking her to a party. You said Yes she could go. I took her to an empty house in Westchester I had already picked out. When we got there, I told her to remain outside. She picked wildflowers. I went upstairs and stripped all my clothes off. I knew if I did not I would get her blood on them. When all was ready I went to the window and called her. Then I hid in a closet until she was in the room. When she saw me all naked she began to cry and tried to run down the stairs. I grabbed her and she said she would tell her mamma. First I stripped her naked. How she did kick -- bite and scratch. I choked her to death, then cut her in small pieces so I could take my meat to my rooms. Cook and eat it. How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me 9 days to eat her entire body. I did not fuck her tho I could of had I wished. She died a virgin."
This was a letter from Albert Fish, an old man that looked like everyone’s favorite grandpa. He was frail and gray looking and he had this habit of clenching and unclenching his fists. He was born in 1870 and despite having family that could have taken him in, he was orphaned. He grew up, got married and raised 6 children. He was by American standards a pretty happy guy, weird but happy. Turns out his wife was a bit off too. As albert arrived home one day, he found all of his furniture missing and his wife gone, she had left him and run off with a mentally challenged man. He was distraught and had a hard time performing his day to day activities. Well, one day, the wife had fallen on hard times financially and came back to Albert holding hands with her new love. She asked Albert if they could both come and live with the family. He told her, you can, but he can’t. She agreed and sent the new love away. She moved back in, however, she did not tell Albert that she was hiding the new guy up in the attic all day sneaking him up food. Albert found out and immediately kicked both of them out never to see Mrs. Fish again.
After this Albert went off the deep end. He became fascinated with hurting himself, hiring neighborhood kids to beat him with boards with protruding nails. He would burn himself and pierce himself all over just to feel the “joy” in the pain. Albert was one weird cookie.
There are many details about this guy that I cannot reveal, they are too obscene. disgusting, and morbid to read much less think about.
This particular murder he wrote about in this letter was the thing that did him in as he used his own handwriting and stamp and details that led to his arrest. As he was arrested, he told the police that came who he was then tried to slice his arrester with a razor blade, he failed and was arrested and found with his pockets stuffed with razors and needles. He later confessed in pride and with horrible detail the hundreds of children he had raped and the dozens he had killed and eaten. He confessed of his taste for human flesh and had no shame in what he had done. He was ex-rayed and what they found were throughout his body, especially his abdomen and nether regions, he had pushed 26 rusty needles into his pelvis. Photo. He was sentenced to death by electric chair at Sing Sing prison. He said of his impending death: “Going to the electric chair will be the supreme thrill of my life.” He meant it because when it was time, he finished his last meal of steak, probably rare, and quickly walked to the chair as if he were trying to get on the next ride at Cedar Point. He even helped strap his arms down to the side. He was giddy and excited. They pulled the lever and legend has it, the needles inside of him caused a short and it took him being fried twice to die. He released some notes just before he died. Most people like to confess to things or apologize before they are executed, he gave the letters to his lawyer who said, “I will never show it to anyone," Dempsey said. "it was the most filthy string of obscenities that I have ever read.”
Here is Albert’s account of his upbringing. "My father dropped dead October 15, 1875, in the old Pennsylvania Station where President Garfield was shot, and I was placed in St. John's Orphanage in Washington. I was there till I was nearly nine, and that's where I got started wrong. We were unmercifully whipped. I saw boys doing many things they should not have done. I sang in the choir from 1880 to 1884 -- soprano, at St. John's. I came to New York. I was a good painter -- interiors or anything.”
I studied this case for the last Serial Killers and decided not to pursue more study being that the details are so sick they messed me. I had reservations about talking about what this guy did in fear of glorifying the man. Making him a joke, when he is not a joke, he is the furthest from a joke, he was ingrained with evil things, and they manifested themselves in him doing horrible and literally unspeakable things. However, the story of Albert Fish does teach us some things. All of the people we are going to hear about in this series are going to teach us some things. We will hear their stories and be grossed out and offended. We will paint them as monsters in our heads and try to make fairy tales out of them. Here is the reality though: Albert Fish was real. He was a human being that did things you could not even bear to think about. No movie has ever depicted the torture and cruelty. This was the sickest serial killer of all time bar none. In the trial, some argued you would have to be insane to do these things, Fish said he didn’t really think so. This is sin folks. Albert Fish was a sinner and the truth is, he was still loved by God.
Fish made this comment in regards to his religious reasons for doing this stuff. “Happy is he that taketh Thy little ones and dasheth their heads against the stones.” "What I did must have been right or an angel would have stopped me, just as an angel stopped Abraham in the Bible [from sacrificing his son]."
Once again we come to the question how could God let this happen and the answer is the same, He didn’t cause this, our sin caused this. The finger is always pointed at us for our sins, not why did God allow it?
Psa. 106:43 Many times he delivered them, but they were bent on rebellion and they wasted away in their sin.
We are a broken people like we have seen. This is going to be a theme this year because when we realize that we are all broken together, fear of each other’s brokenness is driven out and we begin to care about each other. We need to see that we are all messed up, maybe not in the ways that Albert Fish was, but in the same sin that caused him to go berserk and do these things, the same sin lives around us. The same sin wants you to waste away in it. The reality of living this life is that we have to deal with the curse of sin and we have to be able to admit that we sin. We cannot hold ourselves up to a guy like Albert Fish and say, well compared to this guy, I am good, great. The Bible says that all sin is the same to Him. If we broke one of His laws we broke them all. We are in this life and this battle forever.
Eph. 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
My mom used to be all about spiritual warfare in that we were all fighting demons. She would routinely perform exorcisms in my room convinced that the devil had gotten a hold of me. Truth is as much as I like to think she was crazy. She was right, I had been deceived and engulfed by the evil one and it led me to want to kill myself. The same devil engulfed people like Albert Fish, and John Wayne Gacy. People that shoot up schools and set bombs in mailboxes. People that fly planes into towers and people who wreck your lives. People who leave you and people who hurt you. The same devil is behind all of this.
Make no mistake about it, evil is at work here. The evil one Satan has the desire and the motive and the means to destroy us. And as we will be looking at the next three weeks, we will see ways in which he has succeeded, but we will also be looking at the ways in which God is our Savior and protector. We will look at the delivering power of our Lord and God. It is God alone that keeps us from falling into these things or any sin that is. We need and rely on Him for help. We will be exploring this more over the next month.
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In Da Club Script (Rough Draft)

2008-10-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

IN THE CLUB

INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
A young guy walks into the strip club and sits down at the bar in front of the stage. There are lights flashing all around him and guys shouting as the dancers perform and comb the room for possible private dances. He sits and stares up at the stage as a waitress approaches him and asks what he was having. You cannot hear his words, and she walks away only to bring him his drink moments later. He sips it and looks down at the table.
ASIA
I haven’t seen you in forever.
Paul looks to his left to see this beautiful and under dressed female sitting next to him smiling.
BEN
(Smiling, but looking confused) ...Not really do understanding what you are talking about, but I’ll bite.
ASIA
I was Ariel then. Kinda the thing at the time, Disney characters. It must have been 10, 11 years ago.
BEN
Sorry.
ASIA
Come on, I know it was a long time ago, it’s me, Pam.
BEN
(Looking away a little, then taking a drink) It must have been longer or something because I am not really seeing it. I got a brother; names James. Looks a lot like me, except older.
ASIA
Maybe. What is he like?
BEN
He’s pretty awesome actually. He’s my hero. Kind of raised me you know.
ASIA
I have a sister that did that.
BEN
He’s really religious though. But it’s cool because he’s been everywhere. Haiti, Russia, everywhere, doing missionary work.
ASIA
That’s him! I used to hang out with him, he came here a few times. He became a Christian a few weeks later and started taking me to church with him. What happened to him?
BEN
He made a lot of mistakes, then did a lot of good things. I think he did mention you before now that I think about it. You have a little girl right?
ASIA
Yeah, he told you that?
BEN
He used to feel so bad about things. He worried a lot about people. He said he was praying for you.
ASIA
He used to read me his poetry. It was some pretty deep stuff.
BEN
He’s not that deep. I think he talks a lot. In reality, I think he is no better than the rest of us you know.
ASIA
Yeah, I don’t know. I still talk about him with my friends. He was a different guy than most.
BEN
He’s no different.
ASIA
He was to me. He was the first Christian to ever tell me that Jesus loved me how I am right now. It was kind of life changing for me. Then I lost touch. I always wondered though what happened to him. I thought he would have changed the world by now.
BEN
He probably could have if it weren’t for his porn addiction.
ASIA
Do you see him much?
BEN
I don’t see him too much anymore. He’s a ghost. He kind of burned, then fizzled, then disappeared.
The dancer looks deeper into Ben’s eyes.
ASIA
You sure your not him? You look so much a like.
BEN
It ain’t me. I am just a guy on a stool talking to a beautiful girl. Wondering how the past 13 years has treated her. I’m sure my brother would have been really happy to see you. He would have told you to keep looking up. He used to tell me that until I stopped listening to him. He would tell you that you are more valuable than this. He would tell you that despite his mistakes, he meant everything he said to you. He would tell you, he has made a lot of mistakes too and really needs God everyday to survive them. He would look you in the eyes (Ben turns toward her to look into her eyes) and tell you that you are beautiful, not because you are naked, and not because you every guy says that to you. He would mean it from the inside out. He would tell you to get out of here and go sit in the sun for a while and keep looking up. (Looking down, then back up again). I think he would tell you that your eyes look empty, different than before. Hollow and empty of life. Then he would tell you they match his.
The voice over the microphone introduces Asia to the stage.
ASIA
(Eyes glossy) If you see James, tell him I miss him and would love to see him again soon. I miss going to church with him.
Asia gets up and climbs the stairs to the stage. Ben stands an drops a dollar on the bar and walks out of the club.
FADE TO BLACK.

This Is My Suicide Letter, The Conclusion

2008-08-21T06:03:00.000-07:00

INT. MICAH’S BED ROOM - NIGHT
Micah (19) lies on the bed sleeping as the camera speeds up the shot showing Micah sleeping, changing positions and night and day flashing through the window next to him. Every few shots there is Cold standing in different places in the room. The scene culminates to Cold sitting on the side of Micah’s bed running his fingers through Micah’s hair as Micah shivers and cries in his sleep, retching at the hands of the evil one.
FADE OUT.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Micah (19) walks down the tracks throwing stones at the ground as he walks. He is talking to himself.
MICAH
This is real. Come on Micah, Just breathe.
Micah lights a cigarette and continues walking down the tracks.
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
He flashes to memory himself at 5 swinging and hitting a baseball off the tee into the infield, as the shortstop fields it and beats him to the bag, then flashes to the coach and him.
MICAH 7
(Wincing in pain and stuttering) I have diarrhea. (All the kids laugh at him.
FADE TO:
INT. CITY STREET - DAY
The old man and woman are on the porch. The woman has died and the man is holding her in his arms and weeping to the air as he cradles her dead body.
FADE TO:
EXT. JIM COURD’S HOUSE - NIGHT
The memory flashes to Micah seeing his dad for the first time, then to the gun as it unloads bullets into Jim’s body, then flashes to the rose dropping onto Micah’s body.
FADE TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BAR - NIGHT
The flashback ends with Micah looking back in slow motion to Ellis who is waving him back, Micah stares then turns and walks away from him. The camera then cuts to Micah’s suicide letter dropping to the bed.
FADE TO:
INT. MAXINE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Maxine is lying on the couch watching TV
FADE TO:
EXT. HORSE ISLAND - NIGHT
Ellis and Ollie are sitting fishing on Horse Island without Micah, silently sitting.
FADE TO:
EXT. JIM COURD’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Jim Courd is sitting in his family room with his wife, laughing at as they play a board game.
FADE TO:
INT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT
The pretty blonde girl is working at the liquor store giving change to a patron buying a bottle of Jack Daniels. She smiles warmly at the man as he walks out the door.
FADE TO:
INT. OLD MAN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The old man is sleeping as the camera shows his face on the pillow and a picture of his wife lying on her pillow next to him.
FADE TO:
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Micah stops walking in the middle of no where and lies down on the train tracks, putting his head on one of the rails as a headrest. He lights a cigarette and looks to his left where Cold had been, but is now gone. Micah is alone now. A tear rolls down his face as he is shaking in fear, and cold, his hand trembles as he puts the cigarette to his lips. The camera moves into Micah’s eyes again for his thoughts.
EXT. MICAH’S BACK YARD - DAY
Micah (12) throws the football up into the air and runs underneath it to catch it falling onto the ground as if he had been tackled in the end zone, he gets up and jumps up and down in victory and spikes the ball to the ground.
FADE TO:
INT. ELLIS’ CAR - DAY
Micah (19) peers in through the window of a child sitting crying in the backseat of his parents car as the two parents fight. Micah looks intently at the boy.
FADE TO:
EXT. OVERPASS BRIDGE - NIGHT
Micah (7) Micah is back in his Superman pajamas staring over the side of the overpass bridge at the traffic driving below him, he looks over and there is Cold laughing at him.
FADE TO:
EXT. MICAH’S DRIVEWAY - DAY
Micah (9) is staring at the tire tracks in the driveway and looking over his shoulder to his mother who also stares at the driveway.
FADE TO:
INT. CAMPER - DAY
Micah (age 5) and Mathew sit facing each other rocking simultaneously toward each other acting as if they are going to bump heads only to move in a chicken like manner to the side alternating sides with every turn.
MICAH
You ever think about your dad?
MATHEW
All the time, I asked mom about him, she got kinda mad, so I don’t talk about it. Try not to think about it. It won’t help anything.
MICAH
But still, it would be nice to see him.
MATHEW
Yeah, my dad was around before he left, makes it kinda worse to know him then lose him.
MICAH
Yeah.
Micah leans back and starts making shadow puppets on the ceiling.
MICAH
Look, Richard Nixon.
FADE TO:
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Micah (19) is smoking and lying on the tracks with tears streaming down his face as he turns his head to the right and sees a train approaching very quickly.
FADE TO:
INT. MICAH’S ROOM - NIGHT
Ellis walks into Micah’s room and goes to his bed and picks up the suicide note and starts to read it.
FADE TO:
INT. OLLIE’S VAN - NIGHT
Ollie is driving away from Micah’s house and he gets a puzzled, and alarmed look on his face, and turns the car heading for the tracks.
FADE TO:
INT. MICAH’S BED ROOM - NIGHT
Ellis throws down the notebook and runs to the door and exits to the outside, only to stand in helplessness outside the door, looking at Micah’s car and out into the distance.
FADE TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Ellis begins walking down the street back to the Dive bar, where his band is playing still without him or Micah. Jimmy is walking out of the club with Lisa.
ELLIS
Jimmy, you see Micah?
JIMMY
No, he hasn’t been back here.
ELLIS
Alright.
Ellis goes back to the door and exits.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Ollie gets out of his car and starts running down the tracks as fast as he can.
FADE TO:
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Micah is staring at the train in the distance as it quickly approaches. He is still thinking of different times in his life.
FADE TO:
INT. PLAYGROUND - DAY
Micah (12) swings the bat and hits the bully in the head with it watching him crumble to the ground.
FADE TO:
INT. ELLIS’S ROOM - DAY
Ellis lights Micah’s armpit on fire as he sleeps sending Micah into a panic to put it out.
FADE TO:
EXT. MICAH’S CAR - DAY
Micah and Cameron are fighting as she grabs her clothes and shoves them into the suitcase in the trunk and grabs the suitcase and walks away.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Micah sees the train approaching very close to him, about 20 feet as the camera flashes from Micah’s face to the train approaching to Ollie running down the tracks and Ellis weeping violently outside the bar. The scene flashes to Micah’s face that has blood on it and to his eyes that are now closed.
MICAH
(Whimpers) Hear me.
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. POWER LINES - DAY
The scene shows a flock of birds perched next to the shoes on the power line, the birds suddenly fly away.
FADE TO:
EXT. OVERPASS BRIDGE - NIGHT
Micah (7) is looking over the edge of the overpass and then back at Cold who is laughing at him. Micah looks back at the freeway, then back at Cold and he smiles at Cold which causes Colds face to change to bewilderment. Micah then steps up onto the railing and jumps head first in a swan dive off the bridge leaving Cold by himself, smiling.
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Micah lies there motionless with his eyes closed for a few moments, blood smeared on his face. Micah opens his eyes and sees the train off in the distance about 20 feet away from him rolling by rapidly. He then looks to Ollie who is lying on top of him holding his hand in pain. Micah is puzzled as he tries to make sense of the situation.
MICAH
How did you?
Micah passes out.
FADE OUT.
INT. MICAH’S BED ROOM - NIGHT
Micah is writing in his suicide letter, sitting on the floor leaning against the bed.
MICAH
(Narrated) Ever wondered what your last couple minutes of life would be like? I have wondered this forever, now I know.
Micah sits on the floor of his bedroom just thinking and staring at the wall trying to figure things out.
INT. MICAH’S BATHROOM - NIGHT
He gets up and runs the bath water and grabs a razor blade out of the medicine cabinet and looks into the mirror at his reflection.
MICAH
(Narrating) My uncle Dink used to play with trains before he died. He had his whole basement turned into one big toy train track, and he would sit down there for hours just watching the train travel all around the walls through the trees and then back again. I guess it brought him comfort because you can always count on trains. Maybe it wasn’t the train, that failed me. I had hoped to someday make a hero out of those tracks, to someday kill the clown, and save the world from its ugliness. See the myth is that we are all innocent or even more that any one of us is innocent, you are all on these tracks heading the same direction right here with me. I pass by a group of teenage kids talking in the dark in their back yards, I see priests and pastors praying for themselves, I see an ambulance that is heading my direction on its way to pick up a dead kid, but most of all I see a five year old boy playing catch with himself in the front yard, throwing up the ball and running under it for a touchdown catch and all the glory of celebrating alone, that kid has no idea, that kid is golden, that kid is stupid, that kid loves his mother, he says he hates his brother, but really only says that to his friends to be cool, he has a stuttering problem, that kid is growing up.

Micah sits on the side of the tub staring at the blade as it shines and reflects the light in the room. The bath is full, so Micah gets into the water with his pants still on and lays back into the water.
MICAH
God if you have something to say to me, say it.
Micah closes his eyes and puts the blade to his neck.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE PARK - DAY
This is a vision. It is a beautiful day and Micah is sitting, older now on the grass as a little boy (Micah 3) runs around him laughing in circles. He glances over to his side and sees, the pretty blonde next to him, with the sun shining off her golden hair, she is smiling at him and leans over and kisses him.
FADE TO:
INT. MAXINE’S HOUSE - DAY
Micah (3) is being held by his mother in her arms and being rocked, the scene switches back and forth to him now and him then both being held in his mothers arms, rocking him back and forth as he weeps.
FADE TO:
INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - DAY
The scene shows the rope hanging on the ceiling fan of Chris’ bedroom as Chris walks away from it, grazing Micah’s hand as he walks by smiling at Micah. Micah’s gaze follows him right through the door as he dissolves before his eyes.
FADE TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
The vision goes to the bell tower again as it shows the cross on the church.
FADE TO:
INT. MICAH’S ROOM - NIGHT
Cold and Micah are in his room and Micah is bent over weeping on the ground as Cold stares at him as if he is giving up. Cold is now walking with a cane, and has gobs of blood dripping from his face, his eyes are cut and he looks like he has just been beaten up. Micah looks up at Cold with tears in his eyes, and Cold shoots him a knowing look and a nod and walks through the wall of his room and out of his life. Micah then lifts his head up to the sky and weeps uncontrollably and falls over in weakness.
FADE TO:
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
The camera focuses on the blade of the razor as it falls to the ground out of Micah’s hand to the ground clean of any blood.
FADE TO BLACK

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 9

2008-08-06T05:37:00.001-07:00

EXT. HORSE ISLAND - NIGHT
The three are sitting on Horse Island just under a tree in a field of popcorn blowing about in the wind. There is so much popcorn that you can hardly see the grass beneath.
MICAH
You believe in God?
ELLIS
Your lookin at him.
MICAH
Then were all pretty much screwed.
OLLIE
Never really gave it much thought, but if there is he sure doesn’t come around here much. Except, for this one time...
ELLIS
Ollie, for the last time, that happened to me!
OLLIE
Yeah but I saw it.
MICAH
Seriously.
ELLIS
Micah why do you care? What would change if there is a God? Would you quit stealing or something?
MICAH
No. I sit in chapel and listen to the generic, car salesman tell us that if Jesus returns before we accept him into our hearts, then we get to roast in hell or something, and never fails, every week there are 30 kids, not including Ollie kneeling down at that step crying for a half hour while all the teachers cry together with them and speak in tongues. Then after it is all over, those same teachers tell me I was the one who broke the bathroom window or crapped in the urinal.
OLLIE
But you did crap in the urinal.
MICAH
I know but they don’t know that when they accuse me. It just doesn’t seem real.
ELLIS
They have no concept of reality, but that doesn’t mean there is no God. Who knows, maybe I am God. And if I am, I’m sending Ollie straight to hell. Let’s go!
The three jump up from there spots on the ground and duck down face to the floor. All three of them have blow guns in their hands and they begin shooting rapid darts at the geese who have come in to eat the popcorn trap the boys have set.
CUT TO:
INT. OLLIE’S VAN - NIGHT
As the three drive home, music plays on the radio and Micah is in shotgun drinking a fifth of peach liquor.
MICAH
Ollie, you want some of this.
Micah looks back at Ollie who is trying to make a dead goose smoke a cigarette. Micah grins and shakes his head.
ELLIS
Micah, your mom say anything about your recent incarceration?
MICAH
Nah, she just kicked me out, this time for good. Good word, incarceration.
ELLIS
Where have you been sleeping?
MICAH
Me and Cameron had been sleeping in my car, till her mom made her leave town.
OLLIE
Micah, it’s cold outside, your going to freeze to death.
ELLIS
Micah, you know you can sleep at my house, you’re acting really wierd.
MICAH
When I think about death, I think about wearing a tie everyday to work, listening to your boss puking orders at you while you are up to your knees in camel crap as it is. I think of all of the people that do the same routine everyday of their lives. They get up, they eat and get ready for their tie, then, they go off to the same job and do the same thing that they did the day before, just to come home and go to bed to do it again. That, my friends, is death to me. I would rather freeze to death in my car.
Camera moves closer to Micah’s face as he just stares out the window.
FADE OUT.
INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
Micah walks into the front door of a funeral home and sits down in one of the waiting room chairs. A moment later a young looking girl in a black business suit approaches him and greets him with a warm hand shake.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
Hi, I’m Diane how can we help you today.
MICAH
(Warmly) Hi Diane, I’m Micah and I need to make some funeral arrangements.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
I’m sorry, but you have come to the right place. We have some really good deals going on right now. Casket, make-up, service, and burial for $10,000 out the door.
MICAH
(Smiling but in shock as if he doesn’t know if she is joking) That sounds pretty reasonable.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
We have several different payment options, we take credit card, check, or financing for qualified buyers, although we will need $2,000 due at signing.
MICAH
That's OK, I’ll be paying in cash.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
OK great. We just need to get some information from you about the deceased.
MICAH
Oh, not dead yet, but soon.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
OK, do you have any idea how you would like the service.
MICAH
Yeah I thought it would be great if you could just set up a drive through window, so when people came for the viewing they could just pull around and look at me, you know, propped up in the window and pass any flowers or money in through a little shoot by the window, then leave.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
(Looks in amazement) Um. We don’t...
MICAH
I’m serious. No I’m kidding. No serious.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
About the casket. How tall is the soon to be deceased?
MICAH
(Checking his own height with his hand) About yay tall.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
How much does he or she weigh?
MICAH
165 pounds.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
Boy or girl?
MICAH
Pink caskets for girls, blue for boys?
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
No we set up the flowers differently for different sexes. How do you know the you know.
MICAH
I am he.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
(Shocked) Sorry, how...
MICAH
Tuberculosis. I was diagnosed with a rare form and it is untreatable.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
How long do you have?
MICAH
A couple of days. Maybe weeks.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
You look great.
MICAH
Thanks, so do you.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
(Blushing) Thanks. What would you like to do?
MICAH
Well maybe some music playing in the background and maybe people can put my limbs in weird positions you know for fun.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
No, I mean, before you die, what do you want to do?
MICAH
Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it lately. I think I would like to go see the ocean, or maybe see old friends and family. Go skydiving. I’ve always been afraid of airplanes, it would be great to jump out of one with no shoot.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
Does it hurt?
MICAH
Yeah, really bad, I won’t cry though.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
Is the pain going to get worse?
MICAH
Always does, doesn’t it?
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
I guess it does. Are you scared. Well, I’m and idiot, of course you are, I’m so stupid. I mean how does it feel to know your dying.
The camera closes in on Micah who seems to be pondering this questions very seriously.
MICAH
I’m not really scared. Kinda anxious to get it over with. The hard part is actually dying. Everything else is everyday stuff. I look at things differently, I see the world differently. Every conversation I have could be the last one. When I see someone I know, it may be for the last time. When someone gets mad at me, I don’t get mad, cuz I don’t want to leave on a bad note, then they feel bad about when that was the last thing they said to me. The thought is kind of liberating really. I don’t have to worry about what I am going to do for a living, or pay bills. I don’t have to look for a wife, or worry about raising kids. The pressure is off me, all I have to do is die.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
How is your family holding up?
MICAH
They don’t know yet.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
(Shocked) When are you going to tell them?
MICAH
I don’t know. When is a right time to tell your mom that she is about to lose her little baby? I’ve just been putting it off until a better time, but that time has not come yet. I don’t really talk to my family that much.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
Is there nothing that the doctors can do?
MICAH
Not unless they can give me my life back. I thought about cremation, just getting roasted, then letting the wind blow me away. Kinda fitting for me. But there is something about a graveyard that says, forever. And a headstone, that sums up your life in $100 a letter.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
I’ve never heard of someone dying of TB anymore.
MICAH
They don’t. There is always something they can do right?
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
No offense but don’t you think you should try harder, or get more opinions or try different medication or something?
MICAH
It doesn’t matter. I’m tired. I’m sick. No matter what the doctors do, I always be those two things. I don’t know, maybe this isn’t a good day to do this.
FUNERAL HOME WORKER
Maybe not, but you know who to see when you are ready. I hope and pray that you beat this and I see you again 20 years from now. You are too young to feel the way you do.
MICAH
I don’t feel young. Thank you for your time, and I will be seeing you soon, whether I can respond or not, I mean to say hi.
Gets up and leaves the girl standing there speechless.
FADE OUT.
EXT. CITY STREET (FALL) - NIGHT
Micah is staggering down the street, with tears in his eyes. He is holding a bottle of booze in his hand, the bottle is almost empty. Micah reaches the train tracks and he stops and pauses before stepping onto the tracks, but as he does he has a look of determination in his eyes, a look as if it really is time. He starts walking at a quick pace, he is breathing very heavy and his hands are shaking, shaking so much the bottle of booze drops and shatters onto the rail of the tracks, Micah can hear a very distant train whistle. As Micah walks he begins to think about different things in his life. He thinks of the home made rockets being launched into the air, the kid he hit in the head with the baseball bat, the old man sitting on the wicker chair on his porch. Cold has appeared behind him, actually having to try to keep pace.
COLD
Where you goin so fast?
Micah does not answer, if fact he doesn’t even acknowledge the presence of Cold walking behind him.
COLD
You don’t think you are actually going to do this do you. You are too afraid. In your whole life you never had the guts to try anything big, what makes you think this time is better. I have given you the opportunity many times and in every case, the same thing happens. You think about it, you almost do it...almost. Then you break down and sob like a little girl. Your a coward.
Micah picks up his step a little more and looks more determined. He thinks of his principle yelling at him, then flashes to his mothers friend zipping up the sleeping bag on him.
COLD
Aren’t you even going to say goodbye to me. I have been with you your whole life, don’t you think you owe me that much, a simple little, “Goodbye dad” Would that be so hard. By now you realize that I am not leaving, I am here for you, and I am not leaving because you are not leaving.
Micah continues on ignoring him. Cold is noticeably deteriorating as he pulls a small chunk of his hair out of his head, his complexion has a bruised look to it, his skin a little more pale, his eyes a little darker and bruised.
COLD
You really are going to do this aren’t you? I can’t believe it, You make a father so proud. Little coward finally listens to his old man.
Micah looks over his right and he can see the cross at the top of the bell tower at the Catholic Church.
COLD
(Looking at the church bell.) Not gonna help you at all. Cathedrals and towers are signatures of man’s arrogance. All of the bricks and mortar, all of the death and bloodshed, these things are mans things, your things. There is no more God in there than out here.
FADE OUT.
INT. CLUBHOUSE - DAY
Micah (12) sits in a large throne-like chair in the center of the club house. There are two guards (Vern and Ryan) standing at each side of him looking out to the front. Outside the club house there are two guards standing at the door guarding as though Micah were a king. Micah is breathing heavy as he looks out the front door, he is building up courage here. He pauses then leaps to his feet.
MICAH 12
Lets go!
EXT. STREET - DAY
Micah, the four guards and about 10 other kids start walking down the street with Micah leading the way. They walk for a while until they get to a park. As they cross the street the camera show a pair of shoes hanging over the electrical wire. They cross the street and meet about 15 kids sitting on a merry-go-round talking. The gang approaches quickly.
MICAH 12
What are you doing?
RIVAL GANG MEMBER
What? Sitting here.
MICAH 12
Exactly. Did you get permission to sit in my territory?
RIVAL GANG MEMBER
Your territory?

Micah points to the shoes hanging on the wire.
MICAH 12
My territory.
RIVAL GANG MEMBER
(Getting up) Your name isn’t written here. I can go wherever I want.
MICAH 12
(Punches him in the face, the kid falls backwards) Now my name is written on you.
The rival gang members gaze at there fallen leader, then at Micah and attack. A large rumble ensues as Micah’s gang (The Brat Patrol) Defeats the rival gang rather easily, leaving only one of the Brat Patrol members (Bobby) lying on the ground after being hit in the face with a plastic bat. During the battle, Micah has a look of rage and hatred as he takes his aggression out on as many kids as possible. The Brat patrol dusts themselves off and begin to leave.
VERN
What about Bobby?
MICAH 12
Leave him. If all he is going to do is cry, I don’t even want to know him.
CUT TO:
EXT. MICAH’S BACK YARD - DAY
Micah, Vern, and Ryan are sitting in chairs with the rest of the kids standing around as Micah instructs some of the younger girls of the day care how to fight each other. Micah has pinned two girls against each other who are not at all evenly matched. He approaches the corner of the older girl.
MICAH 12
OK, I want you to come right out at the bell, and devastate her with a right hand to the nose as hard as you can.
OLDER GIRL
(Nods) OK.
Micah walks to the other side.
MICAH 12
I want you to come out at the bell and just stand there. She won’t know what to do, and she will get confused, and after a minute or so, then heave a left hand at her arm.
SMALL GIRL
What if she hits me?
MICAH 12
She will be too confused to hit you.
SMALL GIRL
OK.
Vern rings the bell and out come the two. The smaller girl just stands there as the larger girl wrecks her in the nose, spurting blood all over her face and dropping her to the ground in a screaming mess. Micah tries to get her to be quiet, but he is unsuccessful as Maxine comes running out to the little girl and comforts her. She hugs the little girl and looks over to Micah who is just staring at the mess he has made of this little girl.
MAXINE
Who are you? Who are you! Your a monster.
FADE TO:
INT. FAMILY CAMPER - NIGHT
Maxine is driving the camper with the boys playing in the back. Micah is 7 years old.
MICAH 7
(Hopping down from the bed above)Mom this is the greatest car ever!
MAXINE
I am glad you like it cuz it is all we have right now.
MATHEW
(13 years old) Can my friends spend the night out here?
MICAH 7
Mine too?
MAXINE
I don’t think so, there isn’t a lock on the back door, I don’t want anyone to steal you.
MICAH 7
How long will we have the camper?
MAXINE
Well at least a couple of months, we are paid up until then.
MATHEW
Then what?
MAXINE
We’ll have to find a different way of getting around, but I think we will have it forever.
Micah smiles.
CUT TO:
INT. MICAH’S HOUSE - DAY
Micah gets up in the morning and throws his clothes on and runs toward the front door.
MAXINE
Where you going?
MICAH 7
To the camper.
Maxine looks sad and just allows him to go.
CUT TO:
EXT. MICAH’S FRONT DOOR - DAY
Micah flings the door open and walks outside to see nothing but the driveway with an oil spot and tire marks leading out of the driveway. Maxine approaches from behind him.
MICAH 7
Mom, what happened to the camper.
MAXINE
Someone stole it last night.
The camera goes to Maxine who is gazing into the street with guilt on her face.
MICAH 7
Why would anyone steal our camper?
MAXINE
I don’t know hunny, but they caught the guys, and we have to go get our stuff out of it.
MICAH 7
Then we can take the camper home too?
MAXINE
No they need it for evidence, anyway, we don’t need that camper anyway, you can walk to school and we can get rides to church.
MICAH 7
Mom, I want it back!
MAXINE
Sorry buddy. There will be other campers.
Micah just looks in disappointment at the empty space in the driveway.
FADE OUT.

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 8

2008-07-31T09:16:00.001-07:00

INT. MICAH’S SCHOOL - DAY
Micah (16-18) is changing the trash in the men’s room. He is listening to head phones. Ellis walks into the bathroom.
ELLIS
What are you doing?
MICAH
The school says my mom owes them money. She can’t pay.
ELLIS
What? They're making you clean the bathroom?
MICAH
Not just this one. I have to clean all the bathrooms, all the classroom have to be vacuumed, all the halls have to be vacuumed, everything.
ELLIS
Everyday?
MICAH
Yup.
ELLIS
That’s crap, lets get out of here.
MICAH
I can’t, I got to finish this.
ELLIS
Alright, see you at my house later?
MICAH
Yeah, tell your mom I’ll be home for dinner.
ELLIS
Alright, see you later.
MICAH
Bye.
FADE TO:
INT. MICAH’S SCHOOL - NIGHT
It is now dark outside and Micah is still cleaning the school. He is in one of the bathrooms getting ready to clean it when he stops and just stares into the urinal. He stares for several seconds in shock and amazement.
MICAH
Who craps in the urinal?
He pauses contemplating what to do next, to clean and keep his job, or leave it and get fired.
MICAH
Totally worth it.
Micah drops the garbage bag and squirt bottle where they are and walks out of the bathroom.
FADE OUT.
INT. MICAH’S CHILDHOOD ROOM - NIGHT
Micah (12) and Vern are sitting on top of Micah’s top bunk bed. Both are wearing superhero pajamas. Micah looks confident and Vern looks determined.
MICAH 12
This is the final thing you have to do to be a ninja Vern.
VERN
I won’t get hurt?
MICAH 12
Not if you really have what it takes to be a ninja you won’t. You think I would ever ask you to do anything I haven’t done myself? I didn’t kill Bruce Lee by being afraid of getting hurt.
VERN
Alright, I’m ready.
Micah gets behind Vern and takes a belt and ties Vern’s hands behind his back. He then helps Vern to get into position for the plunge. He helps Vern to lay down at the edge of the bed head first on his belly. Micah then gives Vern a push and Vern falls off the top bunk head first with his hands tied behind his back to the floor. Vern hits the floor with his head and all of his body on top of it. Everything just stops and Micah looks at Vern on the floor with his mouth gaping open in shock. Micah jumps off the bed and runs toward the door, throwing it open and screaming for his mom.
MICAH 12
Mom, mom! Vern fell off the bed and he’s bleeding.
MAXINE
Micah, what happened!
Maxine tends to Vern as the scene fades out.
FADE OUT.
EXT. CITY STREET (FALL) - DAY

Micah (19) is walking down the street toward the tracks on a cool Fall morning. Micah looks beat up and ungroomed. Micah is having a terrible hangover. What Micah sees as he walks is a child in the front yard of his house wrestling alone with a pillow with a markered on face and clothes on it. The boy drops an elbow from the porch to the grass and goes for the pin. Micah sees a man on a bike who is obviously mentally handicapped ride his bike aimlessly. The man is wearing a satin tigers jacket and a very dirty Tigers hat. He has a bag of empty pop bottles on the back of his bike.
MICAH
(Narrated) You know what is weird about the whole being watched thing is? It kinda makes me feel a little less alone. I mean don’t get me wrong it stills scares the crap out of me, but I don’t feel completely alone anymore, I guess that’s something.
Micah approaches the door of a liquor store.
FADE OUT.
INT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY
Micah walks into the liquor store to be greeted by that pretty blonde from the grocery store. Micah approaches the counter.
PRETTY BLONDE
You look like you had a rough night.
MICAH
Yeah something like that. I saw you. I mean, I saw you at the grocery store, carrying your bags.
PRETTY BLONDE
Did you help me get them to the car?
Micah looks at her feeling guilty.
MICAH
Yeah. We went out for coffee after, then you invited me to your place, but I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment yet.
The pretty blonde just smiles.
PRETTY BLONDE
What can I get for you?
MICAH
I’ll have a fifth of Jack.
PRETTY BLONDE
Little early isn’t it.
MICAH
It’s for later, I’m having some friends over then I’m playing a show at the Dive. 10 o’clock if you want to come check it out.
PRETTY BLONDE
We’ll see. I need to paint my nails, and resurface my floor tonight, but you never know. You got Id?
Micah grins at her with a cocky grin, expecting to see her tonight.
MICAH
No, but I’m clearly at least 50. I’ll see you tonight then.
Micah hands the girl a 20 dollar bill, which the girl slides back to him on the counter. The pretty blonde just gives a we’ll see nod at him, hands him the Jack and smiles and Micah exits the store.
CUT TO:
INT. MICAH’S BED ROOM - NIGHT
Micah (19) wakes up in the middle of the night. There is classical, but eerie music playing on the CD player next to his head. Micah is alone tonight, not even Cold is here to greet him in the night. Micah sits up on his bed and looks at the alarm clock, it says 4:01. Micah lights a cigarette and starts putting on his clothes. Tonight Micah is sober. Micah makes his way to the door, kicking beer and whiskey bottles across the room as he does. Micah exits the apartment and steps into the cold night air.
CUT TO:
EXT. MICAH’S CAR - NIGHT
Micah (19) walks to his car, gets in and pulls out of the parking lot. The streets are completely devoid of people. The street lights are blinking at every intersection as Micah rolls through them. The city is a graveyard. Micah pulls onto a quiet, dark street and parks the car in front of someone’s house and gets out. He moves to the trunk of the car and pulls out a fishing pole and a tackle box.
CUT TO:
EXT. HORSE ISLAND - NIGHT
Micah (19) is just sitting there and fishing and smoking. Micah is waiting for the sun to rise for the last time. Micah just stares into the black sky smoking cigarette after cigarette. The camera shows Cold sitting next to him.
MICAH
I wish it could be different you know. I wish I could have been born a different way, raised a different way, thought a different way. But I don’t know any other way, I don’t know what it means to be normal, so this is normal to me. This is Micah sitting here waiting to see his last sunset, waiting to be special, waiting to breathe. Waiting to like himself. Today is my last day, good morning sun, good night Detroit.
The sun is rising in the distance and it is beautiful.
COLD
It’s Ok. You can feel however you want. That is the beauty of life, no one can control how you feel, not even you. No one can touch that, you can hide it, jump through hoops and be a clown in front of everyone, but no one can touch it, it’s yours.
Micah lays his head back on the wall and just stares up into his last sunrise.
FADE OUT.
EXT. ELLIS’ TENT - NIGHT
Micah (19), Ellis, Ollie, and Jim are all lying in a tent in Ellis’ backyard. There is a flashlight on in the tent to give light to the room. None of the boys are sleeping, they are just talking and laying in the tent in between bottles and bottles of booze.
JIMMY
I will never drink anything cinnamon again. How the heck do they get all that crystal inside of the bottle.
OLLIE
The same way they get the filling inside a Twinkie, or the peanut butter inside of the Reese. They feed the filling to it. The chocolate eats the peanut butter and gets fat.
ELLIS
Shut up. Listen!
From the corner of the tent, Micah has fallen asleep and is mumbling something.
MICAH
Cover me in ashes. Cover me in ashes. Cover me in ashes. I’ll still be here.
OLLIE
What the crap is he saying.
ELLIS
Shut up Ollie.
Ellis looks concerned about Micah.
ELLIS
We should wake him up.
JIMMY
No way, lets mess with him. Micah, where are you right now.
MICAH
Outside. It’s dark.
JIMMY
Who else is there with you?
MICAH
Cold.
JIMMY
OK, but who else is with you?
ELLIS
Cold is a person, or something, I don’t know, lets wake him up.
JIMMY
Micah what is Cold doing.
MICAH
He’s digging. A big hole. Under a big tree.
JIMMY
Why?
Micah does not respond.
JIMMY
Why?
CUT TO:
EXT. A FIELD - NIGHT
Cold is digging a large hole in the ground underneath a huge willow tree. Micah is hanging from that tree from his feet upside down a few feet form a campfire. Cold continues to dig as Micah struggles to get free from the rope. Cold has no expression on his face at all and does not seem to mind the struggle. After the hole has been dug, Cold approaches Micah and stoops down to look at him in his eyes.
COLD
Do you know who you came from Micah?
Micah just stares.
COLD
You came from this.
Cold takes a handful of ash and spreads it over Micah’s face.
COLD
You came from ashes. You came from what’s left of what was here before. Just matter, just flesh. You know where I came from Micah? I came from God. I am but a bastard just like you. You need to learn not to feel it, not to feel the longing, not to feel hope. Because hope does not exist, it’s fake, there is no way out for you, and daddy isn’t coming home. When you learn not to feel, you learn true freedom. You can do anything. There will be no limitations in this world or the next to who you can be, because your free, really free, just like me. And all you have to do is get rid of this.
Cold reaches into Micah’s chest and removes his heart. Micah looks at the heart in shock. Cold stands and throws the heart into the hole in the ground and starts piling the ash on top of it.
BACK TO:
EXT. ELLIS’ TENT - NIGHT
The scene flashes back and Ellis, Ollie, and Jimmy are restraining Micah who is grasping at his chest in horrible pain. They fight him for a moment, then Micah passes out from the pain and lays silent and at peace in Ellis’ lap.
FADE OUT.
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
Micah (7) is playing second base in the field of his T-ball game. Micah is waiting for the hitter to hit the ball to him, when internal dialogue kicks in.
MICAH 7
Come on stupid. Hit me the ball. Hit me the ball. What if I miss it in front of everyone. Crap, what if I miss? I can’t miss, I won’t miss. Come on, hit the ball you little punk. Ow (Micah grabs his abdomen). Ow! No, not now, not here. You just calm down you little turd. You just settle down now and I’ll take care of you later. Ow!
Micah falls to his knees doubled over in pain holding his abdomen. The ball is hit his way and he can only watch it roll right by him as the rest of his team grumbles and laughs at him.
CUT TO:
INT. MAXINE’S CAR - DAY
Micah is laying in the back of Maxine’s van holding his stomach and writhing in pain.
MICAH 7
Mommy, when are we going to be home?
MAXINE
In just a minute Micah, give me 5 minutes.
MICAH 7
Alright.
Micah starts rocking back and forth on the seat of the van, trying his very best not to wreck his baseball pants. Tears are streaming down his face.
MICAH 7
How much longer mom?
MAXINE
4 minutes.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAXINE’S HOUSE - DAY
The van pulls up and Micah jumps out right as it comes to a stop and runs to the front door as fast as he can. He twists and rattles the door knob, begging for it to be unlocked. Maxine’s walks up and unlocks the door sending Micah tearing through the hallway.
CUT TO:
INT. MAXINE’S HOUSE - DAY
Micah is running through the house to the bathroom, begging for his body, then God to hold him out. He gets to the bathroom door and opens it as he is wrestling with his pants belt. The belt is winning this match and at the height of his struggle, he losses his strength and losses his bowels.

MICAH 7
Come on Micah, just a minute, just a minute, God help me, make it stop!(Falling to the floor) No!
Micah just kneels there and weeps over the toilet seat for a moment.
MICAH 7
Stupid!
The scene closes when Micah throws his soiled pants into the toilet.
FADE OUT.
EXT. ELLIS’ CAR - DAY
Ellis and Micah are driving down a pretty busy street. The car is quiet except for the music. Micah is staring out the passenger seat window looking at the faces of all of the people he sees as he passes. Micah stares as if he is looking into the soul of the person his focus is on. He looks to his right and sees an old man driving alone.
FADE TO:
INT. OLD MAN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The old man is wearing his pajamas and is kneeling at the foot of his bed, looking up at the ceiling, praying to God or his understanding of God. He gets up to his feet, then sits down on his bed and looks over to the picture of his dead wife and children on the night stand. He lays down having never broken his gaze from them. He then lies there staring at the picture, then pulls the chain and the lights go out.
BACK TO:
EXT. ELLIS’ CAR - DAY
Micah still staring out the window, catches the eye of a little boy playing with a toy train in the back seat of his car. His parents are sitting in the front seat just staring ahead at the cars in front of them. The little boy looks at him and his face changes and flashes with the five year old Micah’s face. The little boy looks at Micah and smiles, then makes a funny face.
FADE TO:
INT. CHILD’S ROOM - DAY
The little boy is sitting on the floor playing with his wrestling men. One of the men is losing really bad to the other. The boy’s father throws open the door with a letter in his hands. The father is the Micah’s father as he sees him.
BOY’S FATHER
You know who this is from?
BOY
No?
BOY’S FATHER
This is from your school.
As the father says this he kicks the little boy in the ribs. This sends the little boy sliding to the base of his bed doubled over in agony. The boy tries and fails to stand to his feet. The father reaches down and slaps the little boy across the face.
BOY’S FATHER
You think we work so hard to give you a roof and clothes and an education to see you get D’s on your report card?
The boy rises to his feet looking directly at his father with tears in his eyes. The camera focuses through the boys blurry eyes looking up at his father. Then the camera focuses back and forth as the father slaps the child over and over again. The boy will not cry and he will not stay on the floor, he will stand his ground. He glances over and focuses on a yellow feather sitting on the floor next to the heat register.
FADE OUT.
INT. OLLIE’S VAN - DAY
Micah, Ellis, and Ollie, sit in Ollie’s car smoking cigarettes and talking. Micah is in the passenger seat leaning almost all the way back and staring up through the sunroof at a plane passing over the top of them. He looks at the plane as if the passengers were crazy, shakes his head, then the camera goes to Ellis who is driving Ollie’s car. Ellis is looking out the side window at a pretty girl, walking her dog down the sidewalk, he smiles with a look of acknowledgement at the beautiful girl. The camera goes to Ollie who is looking out the back window at a homeless guy lying next to some dumpsters drinking liquor. Ollie has a look of disgust on his face as if this bum was hurting him in some way.
MICAH
Ollie, are you gay?
OLLIE
What? Shut up, no!
MICAH
That’s good.
MICAH
You guys ready?
ELLIS
Yeah.
OLLIE
Let’s do it.
Both Ellis and Micah look back at Ollie with a look of shock. As they cannot believe what just came out of Ollie’s mouth.
ELLIS
Alright Ton Loc, let’s do it.
OLLIE
Shut up.
The three of them sit up straight and put on three ski masks and zip up their coats and hop out of the car then walk to the door of the convenience store.
CUT TO:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Micah swings open the door and the three of them walk through as if they had all of the confidence in the world, accept for Ollie, who has his lips pushed out of the ski mask oddly far, looking as if he were going to kill someone. They are making a b-line for and area just beside the cash register. The clerk looks at the three of them with real caution in his eyes as he reaches under the counter. The three of them walk over to the coffee machine, their destination and begin pouring the coffee from the cappicino machine then slam them down on the counter and look directly into the clerks eyes and wait. The clerk is looking as if he saw a ghost and opens the register and puts his hands on the twenties. As he pulls out a wad of them, he is interrupted by Micah, who slams down a dollar in quarters on the counter.
MICAH
How you doing today?
CLERK 2
Ok, and you?
MICAH
Not bad, some weather we have here huh?
CLERK 2
Yeah, I thought you were coming into rob, me.
Clerk 2 quickly shows his gun that was in his hand.
ELLIS
Wow. That’s not a toy, be careful.
OLLIE
Can I hold it?
CLERK 2
No buddy, have a nice day guys.
The clerk takes the money and puts it into the cash register as the other two pay as well. Ellis quietly takes his hand and takes the loose change out of the little cup on the counter, he takes it and puts it into his pocket. After the deal has been done, Micah stares into the eyes of the clerk who stares back, still with great caution, not knowing what to say. After several moments, Micah winks at the clerk, then walks away with a grin. They leave the store and get back into Ollie’s van.
FADE OUT.

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 7

2008-07-28T13:27:00.001-07:00

EXT. ELLIS’S FRONT YARD - NIGHT
The three of the boys are lying down on the grass in front of Ellis’s house, looking at the stars.
MICAH
Ollie, what happened inside you when you tried to hang yourself.
OLLIE
I don’t remember that much, I was only 7. I just remember thinking it was a good idea, I wasn’t happy. Mom put me in counseling for a few years and that’s about it. Cured.
MICAH
Cured. Right.
ELLIS
Too bad you used twine, ripped up your stupid neck.
OLLIE
I don’t know, I just wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere not here. I’m going to get in my rocket.
ELLIS
You gotta love Ollie. When we were young, we were in this department store and there were these little hand held video games that I wanted so bad, but my mom said no, right, so Ollie eggs me on and convinces me to just take them. So I did, I put them in my fanny pack, zipped it up and walked toward the door, all the while, Ollie had nothing, so I eluded the little magnetic field you have to walk through and when I got past it, they busted me. They took me back to this little room, called my mom over the loud speaker and reamed me out for stealing their stuff, all the while that little punk of a brother of mine sat there with this stupid grin as they commended him for not going along with me, and for standing his ground not to steal, and the stupid games were half for him.
MICAH
Weasel.
ELLIS
Ollie is a different kid, something really deep underlying in there, beneath the goofy façade.
MICAH
Nice vocabulary.

Ollie fires his rocket into the air as Micah and Ellis watch it fly out to the left, burn out, then fall to the ground.
ELLIS
Figures.
OLLIE
Crap!
Micah and Ellis get up, and walk over to their rockets, light the fuses and step back. Their rockets take off straight up into the air burning yellow as the camera follows their trail into the sky.
FADE TO:

INT. MICAH’S ROOM - NIGHT
The camera comes in from Micah’s (19) eyes as he is sitting on the floor next to his bed. The camera continues to zoom out as we see more and more of Micah’s body in the picture. As more of him becomes visible, we see that he is holding a gun in one hand and a bottle of booze in the other. He is staring out into a trance and we can see the suicide letter sitting next to him on the floor. The camera zooms quickly into Micah’s eyes to black.
FADE TO:
EXT. MICAH’S CAR - NIGHT
The scene fades in from black as Micah is sitting in his car. For a moment he just sits and hesitates slowly rocking back and forth in his seat. Micah is in a real trance now, seemingly preparing himself mentally for something huge. The music plays as Micah rocks back and forth quietly yet becoming more intense as the scene goes on. Micah looks down and we see the gun in his hand in his lap. Micah picks up the gun and pushes a full clip into the handle. On the seat of the passenger side, there is a cell phone, Micah picks it up and dials 911 and puts the phone up to his ear. At this all sound except for the music is cut. We see Micah mouthing something into the phone.
MICAH
(Silently) Come to Elm Street. Someone is going to die.
Micah closes the phone and drops it into his lap. He begins rocking faster and mouthing something as he does.
MICAH
(Silently) No more tears. No more tears. No more tears. No more tears. No more tears. No more tears.
Micah throws the door open and the camera changes to the outside of the car as he flings open the door and quickly steps out.
EXT. OUTSIDE JIM COURD’S HOUSE - NIGHT
He looks up into the sky to see the moon for the last time. He looks over to the neighborhood and focuses on the falling leaves of a tree for the last time. His eyes then go to the open window of the house he is walking to and he sees his father throwing his grandson up and down into the air and his wife and children laughing as they enjoy their lives. Micah takes a deep breathe without hesitation or remorse begins walking up the driveway. He gets to the door and focuses on the welcome mat on the ground below his feet, he then uses the door’s knocker to announce his arrival. He waits for a moment as he hears laughing cutting through the music as his father breaks from the grandchild to answer the door. The door opens and there is Micah and his father staring face to face for the first time looking strikingly similar. They look intently into each others eyes, Jim’s face is that of bewilderment, and fascination, and wonder. Micah’s is one of pure hate and determination. Micah’s face begins to quiver a little, his eyes wide and piercing. For a moment the silence gets awkward and Jim begins to nod a little as if he knows something is going to happen. At this nod the music cuts completely as Micah raises his gun from his side and opens fire. The only sound we hear is the sound of the clicking of the gun, no shots, no screaming, no music.
INT. JIM COURD’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Micah unloads the entire clip into the chest of his father as his family comes running and screaming from the living room to find Jim who is lying on the floor looking up with the same look of bewilderment he had the whole time, their eyes meet again and the feelings change. Jim looks deeper into Micah and realizes who it is, and with a slight grin, he nods and goes limp. Micah unlatches the clip and lets it fall to the chest of his father. He turns his attention to Jim’s family and looks at them with a slight hint of shame and slightly jealous of their love. Micah then turns around and sees the lights from the cop cars out the window. He opens the door of the house and raises his gun into the air. He walks into the street where the cops are kneeling and shouting from behind their cars. The music picks back up, but only the music. He is standing about 100 feet from the cops who are ready to fire their weapons. He looks at the family kneeling and crying over Jim Courd, then looks back at the sky. Micah mouths No more tears for the last time then raises his unloaded gun at the policemen and pulls the trigger and gets nothing but a click of empty gun. The cops open fire freely and fill Micah’s body with bullets from all over the place. Micah reels back and falls to the ground and lays down on his back looking up. The camera shoots from Micah’s eyes out to the sky where he sees two cops come walking up above him. They look down as one of the cops picks up the gun and shows the other that is was not loaded. The two cops just look down at Micah who is dying fast with regret and pain. Micah’s eyes begin to blur and a hint of red blood floods in from one eye. The scene slows down as Micah looks up and watches as one of the officers drops a yellow rose onto his chest. The camera shows the rose hit his chest, bounce once then settle. Back to Micah’s eyes we see them close and the scene fade to black.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. PEOPLE MOVER - DAY
The camera zooms out from Micah’s eyes. Music begins and we see Micah leaning against the window of a large People Mover car, to the viewer it is obvious that he is leaving and isn’t really planning on coming back home. His suicide letter is on his lap, a pen in his hand.
MICAH
(Narrated) Maybe Lonliness is just a habit, or maybe it was like the hick-ups, I could scare it out of me, or hold my breath for a long time, that would certainly do it. But no matter how hard I tried; the beast keeps chasing me, so I embrace it. I love it. It gives me reason to hate you, to make it me against the world. It is a cruel siege that sucks the pride out of being human, and leaves you feeling invisible from life and from love.
The camera just focuses on the side of Micah’s face and the scenes of cars dashing by on the other side of a country freeway. As we drive we see people passing by Micah on the bus, each looking downcast and sorrowful. First a mother comes walking wearily past Micah holding her child who is dirty and nonresponsive. To the immediate left of Micah is a homeless man sitting on the seat with a bottle of booze in his hands, drinking and looking straight down at his lap at the bottle that he has come to know as his friend. To the front right of Micah we see a man sitting and eating dinner alone, not really paying attention to his food, just kind of eating to survive. Micah notices the solemn faces and hearts and just lays his head back down on the window.
FADE TO:
EXT. MICAH’S BACKYARD CLUBHOUSE - DAY
Micah (12), Vern, Ellis, and Ollie sit in the club house staring at each other with nervous faces. Micah holds a knife in his hands and looks at the faces of the other three boys sitting, dreading what is to come next.
MICAH 12
Alright. Its just blood right?
VERN
Come on Micah, we don’t have to do this.
Micah scowls up at Vern.
MICAH 12
Yes we do. This is everything, this means we are brothers and no one can take that from us. You die, I die first.
Micah takes the knife and runs a neat and surprisingly straight line down the front of his hand, the blood immediately comes to the surface as he sits motionless except for the slight grimace of pain on his face. He hands the knife off to Ellis.
ELLIS
I can do this. Micah man, why do you make us do this stuff, why can’t we just shake hands and call it friendship.
Ellis, without hesitation takes the knife and runs it down his hand, leaving a line of blood behind. He then hands the knife to Vern.
VERN
Brothers for life.
Vern cuts his hand with a slight moan and hands the knife to Ollie who shakes his head in disapproval.
OLLIE
I have to do it now?
Ollie takes the knife and stabs himself quickly in the hand and draws blood. He drops the knife on the floor and thrusts out his bloody hand at Micah. Micah takes his hand and grasps Ollie’s tightly as the blood of both of them drips from their hands. Micah then turns to Ellis and they all follow suit and shake each others bloody hands. After the ceremony is over, Micah takes his hand into the air and drops it onto Ollie’s face rubbing blood all over his cheek. Ollie shrieks and comes back at him with his own. Ellis and Vern get involved and soon they are wrestling in a pile on the floor smearing and throwing blood all over each other.
FADE IN:
EXT. MICAH’S BACKYARD CLUBHOUSE - NIGHT
The scene fades in and finds Micah sleeping on the floor in the silent night with Vern, Ollie, and Ellis, still smattered with dried blood, lying around him on the floor. Micah’s eyes pop open and he looks around the room at his friends sleeping, he gets up and walks out of the clubhouse into the night. He just stands there looking up at the clear night sky at the stars, he holds the stair for a few moments then whispers.
MICAH 12
Where are you? Where are you?
FADE OUT.
EXT. HORSE ISLAND - NIGHT
Micah (19) and Ollie are sitting under the bridge fishing.
OLLIE
When we caught those birds today. Do you do that kind of stuff when you are alone? I kinda get that impression. Ellis said he saw you run up to some girl at the mall and kiss her then run away.
MICAH
Yeah, I guess. Jonesing. From that movie Mr. Jones, he was a crazy man, that didn’t care what other people thought or said about him. He would do that. He would go up to some girl that he thought was hot and just kiss her in front of her boyfriend, then just run.
OLLIE
Dude that’s sweet.
MICAH
This might sound weird, but I like to live as if someone were watching me all the time, with like movie theme music and stuff. I never really feel alone, if I laugh I do as if someone is watching, if I cry, I try to look cool because someone is watching, (They look at him as if he were weird) hey man, its all I got.
OLLIE
I live to get my dads attention. I guess there isn’t anything that I want more than for him to be proud of me.
MICAH
Dude your gay.
OLLIE
When he is around, I’m happy.
MICAH
I used to be happy. When we were little, me and Vern used to run away from his house at night and stay out until morning, when his parents would notice and come running to find us. We were always in the same place, in the woods by his house, but we would stay out until daylight, then come home. I just remember the feeling I got when Vern’s mom would grab us and hug us. She was so relieved that we were standing in front of her. I remember that. Sometimes I think that I could go right back into those woods for weeks and no one would come looking.
Micah lays his head back onto the wall.
FADE TO:
EXT. HORSE ISLAND - DAY
Ollie wakes up first in the early morning, he is cold and wet from the morning dew. He sits up and looks around at the morning sky, it is beautiful. He pushes Micah to wake him. Micah sits up and looks with Ollie at the beautiful sky that seems to be shining at them.
MICAH
We going to work today?
OLLIE
I think I could staying here all day.
MICAH
Me too.
OLLIE
Does my breath stink?
Ollie leans over to a repulsed Micah.
MICAH
You could repaint this wall man.
OLLIE
I gotta go, the old lady’s gonna wonder where I went all night. You gonna be with Cam later?
MICAH
No, we broke up.
OLLIE
Really? Why?
MICAH
I don’t know, it took her getting pregnant for us to realize we didn’t really like each other.
OLLIE
What are you going to do?
MICAH
Be a good dad, no kid needs to see their parents fighting all the time, so this way we can give the baby the best of both of us.
OLLIE
Yeah... well I gotta go, you leavin?
MICAH
No I think I’ll just hang out here for a while.
OLLIE
Alright, see at home later then.
MICAH
Yeah.
Ollie walks off leaving Micah there by himself. Once Ollie is gone, Micah pulls out a marker and begins carving into the wall behind him. He carves the words, People On Crosses.
CUT TO:
INT. MAXINE’S CAR - DAY
In the car is Mathew, Micah (12), and Maxine.
MICAH
Do we have to go see grandpa?
MAXINE
You know your grandfather is looking forward to seeing you.
MICAH
He is not, I have never even talked to him, he doesn’t even send me Christmas presents.
MAXINE
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.
MICAH
He sends them to Mathew.
MATHEW
That’s because mom married my dad.
MAXINE
No, that isn’t why Mathew. Micah, just don’t give me a hard time this weekend OK. Its only one weekend and you will do just fine.
Micah just looks at his mom.
CUT TO:
INT. EDWARDS KITCHEN - NIGHT
Micah’s grandfather is setting the table for dinner as his wife gets the food ready for the meal. On the wall of the kitchen is a picture of Grandpa with a priest suit on.
GRANDPA’S WIFE
Dinners ready, did you boy’s wash up?
MATHEW
Yes Grandma.
The family sits down to eat dinner but as everyone takes there seats, Ed directs everyone to his preassigned seats and everyone finds a place at the table but Micah.
GRANDPA’S WIFE
Ed, you forgot to set Micah a seat.
ED
I didn’t forget anything.
Ed’s wife sets one more place at the table.
ED
So Maxine, how are things going with the church?
MAXINE
Oh just great. I have been asked to sing at the regional camp meeting next month. The skits have been going great as well.
GRANDPA’S WIFE
Well that is just great, but how do you have the time for all of that.
MAXINE
Oh my boy’s come with me.
GRANDPA’S WIFE
Do you think that they are happy with going to all of those places with you all the time?
MAXINE
Well, I’m not sure, but I can’t afford a baby sitter and the Lord’s work must be done now doesn’t it. I bought them a camper to play in.
ED
Now who’s fault is that? If you wouldn’t have spread your legs to everyone then you wouldn’t have this bastard over here to worry about. It’s bad enough you had him, but no you just had to keep him. (He chuckles)
Micah looks at his mother who is visibly appalled at the comments from her father.
MAXINE
Dad this is the last time you will see me and my boys.
Maxine gathers the boys and grabs her things and they leave.
CUT TO:
INT. MAXINE’S CAR - NIGHT
MICAH 12
Mom?
MAXINE
I’m sorry sweetie. You don’t have to see them anymore.
She does not face Micah, but wipes away some tears while pretending to fix her hair, not letting Micah in on her pain.
FADE OUT.
INT. ELLIS AND OLLIE’S HOUSE (BATHROOM) - DAY
The camera zooms in from the hallway into the bathroom that has the door half open. As the camera approaches, we hear Ollie writhing in pain.
OLLIE
Oh! Come on! Oh my God, help me! Ah!
The screaming becomes louder and more intense as the camera shows Ollie standing in front of the toilet trying to urinate. Ollie continues screaming until he sees a couple of drops of blood fall into the toilet. Ollie begins to panic.
OLLIE
Ellis! Ellis!
Ollie concentrates on urinating and more and more blood comes pouring out. He writhes and moans as the blood begins to flow freely. Ellis comes to the door.
ELLIS
What Ollie?
OLLIE
Something is wrong with me, look!
ELLIS
I’m not looking at your wiener man.
OLLIE
Ellis, shut up and look. Something’s wrong with me. I think I have a disease or something.
Ollie moans louder as a large stone drops into the toilet.
OLLIE
Did you see that?
ELLIS
Yeah, what the hell is it?
OLLIE
I don’t know, take me to the hospital.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIS AND OLLIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Ollie, Ellis, and Micah (19) are sitting in the living room of Ellis’ parents house. They look in horror as Ollie explains to them that the problem was a kidney stone.
OLLIE
The doctor said that the stones were too big to pass. I was lucky to not have the one lodged in there as it is. They said that there are more. They have to put a stint inside of my penis and run it up to my kidneys.
The two listeners begin to writhe in their seats as they listen.
OLLIE
Then they have to hook me up to some electric shock machine and shock me while something punches me in the kidneys.
MICAH
What will happen if you just leave them?
OLLIE
I’ll die in a couple of years.
ELLIS
How are you going to pay for all of this stuff.
OLLIE
I don’t know.
ELLIS
The procedure seems pretty easy to me, why don’t we try to do it ourselves. They already put the stint in?
OLLIE
Yeah.
OLLIE
Ollie, you down?
OLLIE
We can try.
Micah and Ellis look at each other as this is an opportunity for a lot of fun.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIS’S ROOM
Micah, Ellis, and Ollie are in Ellis’ room. Ollie is lying on the floor with his hand dipped into a deep well tray of water.
OLLIE
You guys know what you are doing, right?
ELLIS
Yeah, I looked it up online.
OLLIE
What site?
ELLIS
Don’t worry about it, it knows everything.
ELLIS
Micah you got the battery?
MICAH
Yeah, Hang on!
Micah enters the room with a large car battery in his hands and some wire and sets it down next to Ollie, who is lying on his back. Micah strings the wire around, both the positive and negative posts on the battery and dips the other end into the water. Ollie takes his hand out just before the wire touches the water.
ELLIS
Ollie, put your hand in the water.
OLLIE
No man.
ELLIS
Ollie, it won’t hurt, it will just feel weird for a minute, like you can’t move, but it doesn’t hurt.
Ollie looks at Ellis with uncertainty and plops his hand down into the water. The shock hurts, definitely and Ollie begins to yelp, not scream because he can’t. Micah and Ellis look at each other and nod, then begin punching Ollie in the kidneys.
FADE IN:
INT. THE BACK OF A UHAUL - NIGHT
Micah (19) and Ollie are in the back of a Uhaul truck. Micah is buckling himself and strapping himself onto the side of the truck wall with a strap. Ollie is standing in the middle of the truck bed wearing a football helmet.
MICAH
Alright Ollie. I think this will work. Now just remember to let your body hit the walls, and not your hands and arms.
OLLIE
Man! Alright go.
Micah knocks on the wall of the Uhaul to tell Ellis they are ready.
MICAH
Lets go.
The truck starts very quickly and Ollie is thrown running into the back door of the Uhaul slamming into it with his body and not his hands. The truck levels off and Ollie gets his balance just in time for Ellis to hit the brakes and send Ollie running very fast across the truck slamming him into the front wall of the truck. This blast is very hard and Ollie yells, then crumbles to the ground in pain. The truck speeds off immediately and Ollie is sent rolling on the floor toward the back door again. The camera changes to the side of the Uhaul and shows the truck speeding up and slowing down approaching a very large hill.
FADE IN:
INT. ELLIS PARENTS HOUSE - NIGHT
The scene fades as we see Ollie lying in his room with his body broken in casts.
FADE TO BLACK.

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 6

2008-07-23T12:07:00.001-07:00

EXT. IN MICAH’S CAR - DAY
The camera comes into the car from the back window He looks up to see a man staring in on him through his back window. The music starts here. Micah sits up and stretches and rubs his eyes, and straightens his clothes. He opens the door and falls out into the world. He gets up and the scene is in black and white, as he walks down the little park street to the main street. What he sees when he gets to the main street and the scene changes to color is a very busy street with a lot of commotion, of the people doing their daily business. Micah starts walking, the camera shows Cold walking right behind him. As he walks he sees all of the people going about their business with there own versions of Cold walking with them, effecting them, touching them. To the right he sees two cars in the road that had an accident. The two drivers are out of their cars arguing casually. One of the men had their own version of Cold standing behind him. He puts his hand on the driver and he is sent into rage and begins attacking the other driver. Micah looks to his right and just focuses on all of the people walking past him with all of the Colds following right behind. All doing different things. One woman is talking on the phone and crying, one man is sitting on the curb, homeless, playing guitar with his Cold sitting, facing him on the ground. Micah does not respond, he just looks back and expectantly sees Cold following him. He continues walking and sees a little boy riding his bike with a sad look on his face and his backpack strapped on. His Cold is riding on the pegs on the boys bike. They pass with no expression from Micah, Micah is a stone. Standing in the middle of the street is a drunk, homeless man staggering around in the middle of the street waiving a cane around shouting indecipherable words at no one. This man has several Colds standing with him silently. Micah passes closely by and as he does, the homeless drunk locks eyes with him. In a very faint, weary voice, the man whispers.
HOMELESS DRUNK
Help Me.
Micah passes by not sharing a moment with this man. Micah reaches his destination, and opens the door and walks in.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
Micah (age 7) walks through the double doors of the school building. He takes his time walking down the hallway, almost as if he dreads every step he is taking. He is wearing a red coat and a back pack tightly secured around his back. He wears a knitted stocking snow hat on his head and moon boots. The camera starts on him from close up and pans back until it is quite far away from him. Micah turns the corner of the hall way and the camera picks back up on him from the back, still far away, then zooms quickly on him as he walks through the door of the school office. The secretary looks at him with disgust and points at the chair in front of the desk. Micah waits a couple minutes, and during that time, he pulls out a pad of paper and a pen and begins writing. After a minute or two the camera shows the paper. Micah is taking the initiative and has begun his expected sentences. The paper reads. I will not throw snow. I will not cut in line. I will not say bad words. I will not slash tires. The principle walks into the room.
PRINCIPLE
Come on in Micah.
Micah walks with the principle through the doors that lead to his office.
PRINCIPLE
Come on in, sit down.
They both sit.
PRINCIPLE
This is the ninth time you have been late for school, Micah. Do you remember what I said we had to do if you were late again?
Micah speaks, but does not lift his head.
MICAH 7
Yes.
PRINCIPLE
I have to suspend you from the school for a week. I have told you that there is no excuse for being tardy. When you are late, you waste my time and your teachers time, and believe me, their time is far more valuable than that of a seven year old. Now I have to call your dad to pick you up. There is a very good reason that we have that little bell out there that rings when it’s time to start learning.
Micah shoots a slightly defiant look at the principle, yet he is still sad. He answers in a whisper.
MICAH 7
I don’t have a dad.
PRINCIPLE
Of course you have a dad, or you wouldn’t be here. You would do well young man to watch your mouth. I’ve been the principle here now for 20 years and I have seen kids like you, you think you know everything, you think that the adults...don’t understand your snide little remarks. But let me tell you something, we do, we all do. So in my presence you will watch that mouth of yours.
Micah looks down and puckers out his lips and stares down at them in defiance. The principle does not see because he is looking for Micah’s fathers work number in his file. He looks down and the camera goes with him to the page in front of him.He looks into the file for a moment then looks up at Micah who is sitting quietly staring at his boots. He then looks back down at the file and begins dialing.
PRINCIPLE
Ms. McBain, Ms. Maxine McBain?
MAXINE
Yeah. Hang on a second.
There is the sound of at least a thousand kids screaming in the background.
PRINCIPLE
Micah, can she come and pick you up?
MICAH 7
Nope.
PRINCIPLE
Why not?
MICAH 7
She runs a day care.
PRINCIPLE
Right.
The principle just hangs up the phone and sighs. He starts righting on a pink slip and hands it to Micah.
PRINCIPLE
Micah, you start walking home now. I will see you again, on time, in a week. You tell your mother to call me when you get home.
Micah gets up, and takes his time walking out of the office.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET ON THE WAY HOME - DAY
Micah exits the building and starts walking to the right and stands in front of a window where he has friends looking outside at him. He smiles at the kids and turns around and gives them a full moon. He takes off.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET ON THE WAY HOME - DAY
Micah is walking down the snow covered street with a pink slip in his hand. The streets are silent, it is the middle of the day and he has no intention of going home.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY
Micah (12) walks onto the school yard and in the distance he sees a crowd of kids yelling and screaming at the center of the pile. Micah speeds up his pace and looks closer into the pile until he can make out the figure lying bloody in the center. It is his brother Mathew. There is a kid standing over him violently taunting him holding a skateboard that he has obviously used to hit Mathew. Micah runs up and picks up an aluminum baseball bat off the ground, pushes through the pile and takes a swing at the bully. The bat is a direct hit to his head and his body crumbles to the ground, knocked out. The crowd just stands there silent and shocked as Micah helps his brother to his feet and begins walking off the playground home.
FADE OUT.
INT. MUSIC HALL - NIGHT
Micah and his band are on stage performing their set. The crowd is large and hyped up as the band plays. Micah glances into the crowd to see that pretty blonde from the grocery store again, he stares for a moment as she smiles at him, then glances away to something else. Micah is doing fine for now, he is excited and playing his heart out. He lifts his head to look into the audience, we do not get to see what he saw, but what he saw catches his eye, his gaze. The music plays on for a minute as he stares, he is becoming downcast. The music begins to blur as he has missed all of his queues. The rest of the band are looking at him in bewilderment, wondering what is going on. The music blurs more and more until it is undecipherable. Micah remains hypnotized. Micah’s face becomes pale, and sad. He drops the microphone and begins his walk off stage and out of the bar.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Micah throws the door open and walks out of the bar onto the dark streets. He is walking feverishly picking up pace quickly. The night is dark, the wind is blowing through him as he quickens his steps. His walk becomes a jog, then a run as the scene intensifies. Ellis is behind him but not chasing him.
ELLIS
Micah! Micah!
He walks back into the bar to play the rest of the set without Micah. Micah runs past some people on their way to the bar slamming into one of them as he passes. He keeps running until he reaches his back door, he opens the door and runs up the stairs leaving the door open. He runs up the stairs and through the hallway to the door of his flat. He opens the door, that is unlocked and runs to his bedroom.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MICAH’S BED ROOM - NIGHT
Micah is sitting on the bed that is surrounded by alcohol bottles and beer cans. Their are more paintings in the room to focus on. In the cage, the iguana is dead. He sits writing on a notebook, the final entry in his suicide journal. The camera focuses on the journal as he writes, he is writing over the entry before for a half a page to the clean paper, he is too drunk to see. He writes: “Cover me in ashes and abandon me in the cold, I’ll still be here I’ll still exist. This is it. This is my suicide letter.” Micah sets the pen and paper down on the bed and starts walking out of the flat, down the stairs, and out the door to the street.
FADE OUT.
INT. SCHOOL CHAPEL - DAY
The chapel is a quarter full of people. Micah is sitting next to Ellis in the middle of the row about halfway back from the alter. The students are in dress clothes and dresses with ties. They are listening as the preacher preaches.
CHAPEL PREACHER
When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. Jesus said, it is finished, the debt was paid, the war is over. What does that mean for us? It means that we have been offered eternal life, if we just accept it. Jesus did all of the work for us on that cross that Friday night. It means that He loved us so much that He gave us His life to save ours, a perfect life, full of laughter, full of love: He gave it for us, filthy beggars, full of hatred and stuck chained down in the dark. All we have to do is accept this gift, come to the alter and ask God into your life and to forgive you of your sins.
The church praise band begins playing softly.
CHAPEL PREACHER
Come. Come.
Most of the room begins getting up and walking down to the alter. The seats begin to thin out around Micah, but Micah isn’t moving and neither is Ellis. Ollie is going up. They sit sterile staring at all of the people, some crying walking and bowing down in front of the alter as the music plays on and on. After the alter rush has finished and the preacher is praying with the students, a teacher comes over to Micah and sits down next to him.
TEACHER
Micah, don’t you want to meet Jesus?
MICAH
No thanks.
TEACHER
I watch you everyday, come to school, act tough, get in trouble, and lead others into it. God wants you Micah. You can make a real difference for God if you would just let Him have control. You are a natural leader, so many people follow you. You have no idea the lives you could change if you would just let God have control. Do you even know what it means to let God have control of you.
MICAH
I have a pretty good idea.
TEACHER
How do you see it Micah? Do you even believe in God?
MICAH
Oh I believe in God. I see that everything that God has had control over in my life is crap. From my family to this school.
TEACHER
Micah, watch your mouth in the chapel. Could it be that everything you think God has done to you is your own fault, that maybe, just maybe you haven’t given God control?
MICAH
Sure, if being born into this world with no father, a poor mother, and no way to help the world pissing all over you is my fault.
TEACHER
I know you are suffering Micah. But there is no suffering that Jesus couldn’t heal. No holes He couldn’t fill. I can see an emptiness in you, I think you can feel it to, but it doesn’t have to be this way, you don’t have to feel this way. There is another way to live, to feel, to act that doesn’t require you feeling as though everyone is trying to take something out of you.
MICAH
What do you know about suffering? What do you know about my life or what it is to be me everyday, to walk in skin that isn’t your own, to think with a brain that has no direction, to make decisions based on things that you cannot see, but I do. Do you know what it means to be alone? I don’t think you do because you are never alone as long as you hold on the your belief that God actually cares about you, and in that I envy you, but it’s not the same for me. I don’t belong to anyone, not even myself, I am dust, I am forgotten, I am alone, and there is no faith that can heal that, no God that will feel that, No part of me that isn’t ugly, but that is not my fault.
Micah glances up to the alter as the students are crying as is Ollie and the preacher is laying his hands on the students and they are hugging each other and praying.
MICAH
I want nothing to do with that.
TEACHER
Do you know the consequences of your decision if it were to last until your death? Fire.
MICAH
Hell.
TEACHER
You don’t care? I am speaking to you about eternity, which is a lot longer than what you have seen here. You can sit here and tell me you don’t care, I don’t believe that.
MICAH
Just another day. I was born into it. The absence of God. I am more comfortable without Him anyway. Look at what He has done, the murder, the blood, that isn’t heaven, or happiness, it’s foolish.
TEACHER
The pain?
MICAH
I am numb.
TEACHER
Looks like you have made up your mind then. After chapel, I want you to go to the principles office, we are going to have to suspend you for a couple of days for your language in the chapel and talk about whether or not your presence in this school is good for the school.
Micah nods and the teacher gets up and walks up to the alter to pray for some of the students.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIS’S ROOM - NIGHT
The scene starts with Micah’s hand writing in his suicide letter and fades through to Ellis’ Room. Micah (19), Ellis, and Ollie are sitting on the floor in Ellis’s room covered in toilet paper, and paper towel. They are building rockets made out of household items. As Ellis and Ollie work silently on their rockets,
MICAH
What you see isn’t always what is there.
The camera flashes cold in the back of the room and he instantly vanishes without Ellis and Ollie knowing.
MICAH
Your never really alone, even if it feels that way. I remember when I was young, lying in bed wrapped up in a sleeping bag, making shapes and faces out of the sponge painted walls in front of me. I had drifted off to sleep while my mother and some friends were in the living room talking.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MICAH’S CHILDHOOD ROOM - NIGHT
Micah (age 5-7) is lying on the bed facing the wall wearing Superman pajamas, tracing out the faces on the sponge paint with his finger, slowly running his finger up and down, feeling the texture of the paint. His eyes begin to feel heavy as they slowly close. As he falls asleep a man comes walking down the hallway toward the bathroom. As he passes he looks into Micah’s bedroom, looks back at the living room, where they are still talking, and walks into Micah’s room toward him. His face flashes from Cold’s to his own several times like lightning. He walks over to Micah’s bed and zips up the sleeping bag over Micah’s head and holds him down with his hand over where Micah’s mouth would be if he could see his mouth. Micah struggles and moans as he is trying to get free. The man’s face changes again over and over as Micah struggles. The camera shows Micah struggling in hysterics inside the sleeping bag, trying to get free. The tension breaks from Micah and the bag becomes loose. Micah puts his hand through a small hole in the zipper and tears his way free. He throws the bag off of him and looks around in the dark, trying to focus his eyes to see Cold standing at the door for a moment, then he walks out. Micah jumps down from his bunk bed and hurries to the wall across the room and turns the night light on. He looks around the room and sees nothing, so he peaks his head around the corner, to the right is the living room with the lights on and commotion from dialogue coming from it, and to the left is a dark hallway with Cold standing there, then vanishes. Micah turns left toward the dark hallway to the back door, that is standing wide open.
CUT TO:
EXT. MICAH’S BACK YARD - NIGHT
Micah walks through the door to the back yard and walks across the grass to the gate where a cloud of yellow vapor rises to his face, Micah steps back from the stench, then moves forward out the front gate to the sidewalk. He hears a voice but sees no one to his right.
COLD
You can fly Micah. Everything you have ever known is wrong.
CUT TO:
EXT. OVERPASS BRIDGE - NIGHT
Micah is standing on the overpass hanging over the freeway.
COLD
Fly away Micah.
Micah grabs on to the railing and looks over, he sees cars flying around under him in the night. He looks reserved about jumping.
COLD
You will be alright. You aren’t like other kids, you are special. You can fly. You really can. Trust me.
Micah climbs up onto the railing of the over pass and looks down again. He steps back down to the ground and is shaking with fear.
MICAH 7
I can’t.
COLD
Oh, but you can. Your just like me.
Micah stands there shaking, and begins to cry, then weep and crumbles to the ground in fear. He looks up after a moment and sees Cold in a Superman suit walking backwards away from him chuckling.
BACK TO:

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 5

2008-07-20T15:36:00.001-07:00

INT. MICAH’S BED ROOM - NIGHT
The scene fades in to Micah sitting in a corner in his room with an almost empty bottle of Captain Morgan in his hands. The Iguana is milling around the room. The floor is hidden by the mess of clothes and garbage. The camera pans through the room and shows all of the paintings of poetry, and eyes, and pictures all over the place. The camera stops at Cold who is sitting in the other corner looking back at Micah who is staring at him.
MICAH
What’s next?
COLD
You die.
Micah just nods and smirks.
COLD
Do you really want this? Living your life in garbage, dreaming dreams that mean nothing to you? Sitting here in your own pile of pain and piss, just waiting for morning to come so you can sleep? This isn’t going to stop you know. The dreams, me, we aren’t going away.
MICAH
Wh....
COLD
Why? You know why don’t you? Yeah, you have always known can’t you see that Micah? Your an abortion, you just haven’t died yet. Your completely colorless. Mommy never wanted you did she, not after he left. Who can you turn to, God? That’s a joke now isn’t it?
MICAH
You?
COLD
(chuckles) I don’t want you either. I am a just a collector of broken parts. Someone has to clean up the mess you leave as you pass through.
MICAH
I hate you.
COLD
Yeah you do. Almost as much as you hate yourself, but not quite. Your merely dust Micah, and the wind is blowing. Here you are lying in a corner because there is a lion in the streets. But where can you hide in here? In here it is just you and me, that’s our bond, that belongs to us, and no one can ever take that from us. You need me. You rely on me to keep your eyes from all of the pain you don’t want to admit you feel. I am the rainman. Cover me in ashes and abandon me in the cold, I...
MICAH
I’ll still be here, I’ll still exist.
COLD
Yes you will won’t you?
MICAH
Go away.
COLD
Ok, I’ll leave, but sooner or later you will realize how much you need me. And you will try very hard to make sense of your filth, but you never will because you can’t admit that you are the filth in a rather pretty world. So you sleep, and I will see you tomorrow.
Cold brushes Micah’s hair from his eyes before he leaves.
COLD
Wake up Micah.
Micah lays his head back and falls asleep.
FADE OUT.
INT. RECORD STORE - DAY
Micah (19) and Ellis are in the store, attempting to steal some CDs. The are doing so by taking a small knife and cutting off the wrapper and plastic around the CD, then stuffing them in their pockets. Micah watches as a store clerk is getting suspicious of Ellis.
MICAH
Ellis. (Whispering) Ellis.
STORE WORKER
Hey kid! Kid!
Ellis looks over and as he does, Micah shoves all of the cds he has stolen back into the rack. Ellis walks gingerly over to the clerk who is knowingly looking at him.
STORE WORKER
I don’t work for this company, we are just hired help, but I have to call the police when we see someone like yourself robbing us right in front of my eyes. You have about 5 minutes after I call them to be invisible, so I suggest you go.
Ellis puts the cds in the man’s hand and takes off running out of the store. Micah come walking along behind him to the door, but stops at the clerk for a moment.
MICAH
How you doing?
STORE WORKER
Can’t complain.
MICAH
You catch that punk? I saw him taking crap, I was about to tell you.
STORE WORKER
He’ll get caught, they always do, thanks for coming to Spin Doctor, have a nice day.
MICAH
You too.
Micah exits the store and walks down the hallway toward the door. As he does there are three men in suits with manager name tags scurrying past him towards the music department. Micah grins as they run right past him. Micah exits the store and looks for Ellis who is no where to be found in the parking lot. Micah walks over to the large van that they came in and gets in the passenger seats and looks around out all of the windows. He hears a noise from inside the car.
ELLIS
Hey (whispering), hey!
Micah turns and looks to see Ellis lying oblong under all of the seats on the floor of the van. He laughs.
ELLIS
They gone?
MICAH
Yeah. Lets get out of here.
Ellis gets up and they pull out of the parking lot.
ELLIS
Holy crap, I thought I was hit. That little man warned me though.
MICAH
Yeah Guido’s a goodguy. What now?
ELLIS
Wanna go try it again at another store? I think I know a better way.
MICAH
Yeah.
CUT TO:
INT. ANOTHER RECORD STORE - DAY
Micah and Ellis are in the aisle of the other Record Store this time with their jackets over their hands. They are picking up items and putting them under their jackets in their hands. Micah picks up a CD and slides it under his jacket with the many cds that are there. The camera shows under the jacket as he takes the knife and cuts open the wrapper that holds the CD and pulls out the tube and places it into the pocket of his jacket. He then takes the empty wrapping and places it back onto the shelf. He trades glances with Ellis who is still in the CD department doing the same with his jacket. As they begin to leave Micah walks through the check out and purchases a pack of gum. As they walk out, Micah turns to Ellis.
MICAH
We did it!
ELLIS
Shut up not yet.
He looks forward to the door and sees two large men walking toward them. Their pace quickens and so do the mens, but Micah and Ellis are faster. They get to the door and the two men ask for them to hang on a minute. Micah begins to bolt but looks first to Ellis with a look as though they could easily beat these guys. Ellis is a deer caught in the headlights, he cannot and will not move.
MICAH
Ellis! Come on!
Ellis does not move an inch. He is frozen as the two men grab him and put his hands behind his back. Micah looks one more time at Ellis with the thought to run, but cannot leave his friend behind, so he walks over to the men and turns around for them to cuff him.
FADE TO:
INT. JAIL - DAY
The scene fades in as Micah is lying on the bed of one cell and Ellis in the one next to him. The cells are bare of anything including mattresses. The two lay there on stone beds looking back at one another through stone walls.
MICAH
Ellis, you all right?
ELLIS
Ain’t no jail cell big enough to hold me.
Micah laughs.
ELLIS
Who you gonna call?
MICAH
My dad. Imagine that call. Dad, I know we’ve never met, but I assure you I’m a good kid. My name as you probably know is Micah, and could you come and bail me out of jail?
A role of toilet paper come rolling across the floor in font of Micah’s cell. Time passes by and Micah sits awake on the stone bed as he listens to Ellis snore. He begins to beat a corresponding beat to Ellis’ snore on his lap as the guards open the door to Ellis’ cell.
JAIL GUARD
Ellis! Your mommies here.
The camera stays on Micah as he listens to the cell next to him.
ELLIS
Can I just stay here Mr. Occifer? I don’t think I want to see my mom right now, just tell her to come back.
JAIL GUARD
Nope, she paid, so we don’t have to feed you.
Ellis moves out from the cell, the camera still on Micah. Ellis looks around the corner into Micah’s cell.
ELLIS
I’m gonna talk to my mom and get you out of here, don’t worry.
MICAH
See you on the other side.
Ellis leaves and Micah is all alone. The day has turned to night and the cell door opens and Micah sits up.
JAIL GUARD
Dinner time. I know this tastes like crap, but you are a big boy now so you face big boy consequences.
Micah throws the guard a dirty look and rips the plate from the guard. More time elapses showing Micah pacing the cell, and sitting, laying, and even standing on the stone bed. After a minute or so of that the cell opens and Micah exits.
MICAH
I’ll see you soon.
FADE OUT.
INT. MICAH’S HOUSE - DAY
Micah is in the hallway of his house pacing back and forth down the hall way by the bathroom.
MICAH
Come on Cam!
CAMERON
Hang on it takes three minutes.
Micah continues pacing the floor for a minute or two, until the door opens and Cameron walks out holding a pregnancy test. Cameron looks happy, Micah looks scared.
MICAH
Well?
Cameron shows Micah the test that reads positive. She is happy and jumps up and down and hugs Micah. Micah is not enthused. The camera zooms into Micah’s frightened eyes.
CAMERON
I can’t wait to tell my sister.
MICAH
What about your mom?
CAMERON
She can wait till I start to show. What about yours?
MICAH
Might as well tell her now, the sooner she kicks me out the better. I can save the rent money.
CAMERON
(Still embracing Micah)I’m just so excited.
Cameron lifts up her shirt to expose her stomach and looks at it.
CAMERON
You are going to be one cute kid.
MICAH
(Squatting to face Camerons stomach) I am going to give you everything.
Micah stands back up and Cameron kisses him three times fast.

FADE TO:
EXT. IN THE TRUCK - NIGHT
The scene opens with a BB gun pointed at a car window. The trigger is pulled and the window is shattered. Micah is driving, Ellis is in the passenger seat and Ollie is in the back seat of the truck. Ellis throws the gun back at Ollie as Micah hits the gas and stalls the truck. He restarts it and they are off laughing.
ELLIS
You see that.
OLLIE
That was awesome. Lets do it again.
ELLIS
Nice driving Micah.
MICAH
Shut up.
ELLIS
Go to store, I need more cigarettes.
CUT TO:
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
The car is pulling into the parking lot. There are a lot of cars milling around the lot, and it is very well lit. Micah’s truck pulls behind another car moving slowly waiting for another car to leave so they can have their parking spot. As the car rolls slowly, Micah’s eyes fix on the eyes of a pretty blonde walking with her hands full of groceries.
ELLIS
Dude, what did your mom do when she found out your gonna be a daddy?
MICAH
She didn’t do anything, she wouldn’t even look at me.
ELLIS
I would give my mom the cry for help speech. I wanted to get caught mom, because you don’t pay any attention to me, all you care about is Ollie.
OLLIE
That’s true.
ELLIS
She would buy it. Wouldn’t even get grounded. She would even cry.
MICAH
I don’t care what my mom thinks about me anymore. Squash it.
Micah and Ellis are startled as the hear a pop and glass breaking. They turn to look at Ollie and see him sitting there with the gun pointed out the window.
ELLIS
Ollie! You idiot!
FADE TO:
EXT. IN THE TRUCK - NIGHT
OLLIE
You guys think anyone saw?
MICAH
(Shaking his head) Stupid.
Lights come up from behind them as Micah looks to the rear view. It is a cop. He turns on his lights.
MICAH
We’re hit. Ollie, hide the gun.
Ellis puts on his seat belt.
ELLIS
They might not know, it just happened.
MICAH
They know.
Micah pulls over to the side of the road and puts his wallet in his hand and rests them on top of the steering wheel. The cops come up from both sides with their guns drawn.
COP
Get out of the car all of you!
Micah and Ellis get out and Ollie stumbles on the seat belt and falls, only to see a flashlight in his face when he looks up.
MICAH
There a problem sir?
COP
Shut up, get on the ground on your face.
Micah gets down and the cops frisk the three of them and cuff them leaving them lying on the ground side by side. One of the cops moves over to the truck and begins searching it. After a minute or so, he pulls out a BB gun.
COP 2
Got it.
Micah throws a glance at Ollie who is looking at him. I put it under an apron, who would look there?
ELLIS
Ollie!
CUT TO:
INT. JAIL - NIGHT
Micah sits in the jail cell.
FADE OUT.

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 4

2008-07-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

EXT. HORSE ISLAND - NIGHT
The camera pans from the water that has the moon shining down on it in a pale yellow color to Micah, Ellis, and Oliver who are sitting under a bridge on a stone ledge fishing, Micah has caught one small one and is taking it off the hook and having trouble with it as it flips around.
ELLIS TRENTON
OK, top five coolest things to do with a fish when we catch one.
MICAH
Number 5, hide it under Ollie’s car seat. Number 4, punch it and give it the finger, Number 3, teach it to fish, then punch it, Number 2, pierce its lip and put it in a tank and name it Papagoergio, and Number one, lets see, throw it back.
Micah throws the fish back into the water and it swims away harmlessly.
OLLIE
Pulling a fish of his own out of the water
I got you, you little jerk.
Ollie begins reeling in and takes the fish off the hook and puts it onto the ground next to them.
OLLIE

Let you see how it is to breathe human air, you idiot.
ELLIS
Ollie, what about you, top five.
OLLIE
Micah and Ellis look at each other in disbelief that Ollie is so sick.
OLLIE
I don’t know about 3,4,and 5, but two, burn off it’s scales. One, burn it’s eyes out with a cigarette lighter.
ELLIS
Ollie there is something extremely wrong with you.
Ellis punches Ollie as Ollie gets up with his fish and climbs back over the wall.
ELLIS
OK, number 5, stuff it and wear it around my neck. Number 4, use it as the ball in fishball. Three, Give it away as a Christmas present to my mom. Two, put it in the drop box of a video store.
OLLIE
Dude, stop flippin around. Ellis, Micah, come here you’ve gotta to see this.
Ellis and Micah jump up from the ledge and look over the side. What they see is Ollie standing over a badly burned fish with no eyes and filled with coffee just spewing out of its mouth, smoking a cigarette.
ELLIS
Dude! Throw it back. You’re sick.
Ollie picks up the fish and throws it back into the water and it just floats on it’s side out of the camera view. Ollie hops back over the wall and sits.
ELLIS
Micah, I’ve been meaning to ask you, what happened the other day?
MICAH
I choked, worst game of my life.
ELLIS
You know what I am talking about.
MICAH
Not real sure, I just wasn’t feeling very good.
ELLIS
You weren’t feeling good, are you serious, you were on the ground screaming and staring at the wall like it was going kill you. Don’t tell me you just weren’t feeling good. What’s up?
MICAH
I really don’t know, I’m still trying to work this all out. Its like I feel a certain way all the time, and I think it has gone to the next level.
ELLIS
What do you mean the next level?
MICAH
I don’t know. I tell you now you tell no one. You got it?
ELLIS
I got it.
MICAH
Ollie?
OLLIE
Got what? I already forgot.
MICAH
I see someone.
ELLIS
What are you talking about, you see who?
MICAH
Just forget it, it doesn’t matter. No sane person would ever believe me anyway.
ELLIS
I wouldn’t be what anyone would ever call sane. And Ollie, just look at him, he tried to hang himself with a piece of Christmas tree twine.
MICAH
Alright. I see this guy, I dream these dreams and I do these things I don’t remember doing. I can’t remember the last time I slept more than 4 hours, I can’t remember the last time I woke up alone. Every night I have these nightmares that are so real that I don’t know if I am dreaming right now. I close my eyes and all I see are eyes looking back at me. This guy, Cold, he is everywhere and I see him when I am awake.
Ellis and Ollie are looking intently at Micah.
ELLIS
(Reluctantly)You see him right now?
MICAH
No, just you and Ollie.
OLLIE
I kinda figured that was going on.
ELLIS
What?
OLLIE
I get a weird feeling sometimes when you’re around. You clam up all of the sudden, and your really distant.
ELLIS
So you assumed he was seeing things that were not there, or sorry Micah, things that we can’t see.
OLLIE
Micah isn’t crazy remember? I just knew something was up.
MICAH
Let’s just forget we had this little conversation.
ELLIS
K, but will you tell us when this thing is in the room, so I can run?
MICAH
No problem.
MICAH
You think I’m crazy?
Ellis and Ollie don’t answer
MICAH
I do, at least I hope I am.
FADE TO:
INT. MICAH’S BED ROOM - NIGHT
The scene begins in Micah’s (19) room in the dead of night, there are eyes now painted all over Micah’s walls, and there is a large Iguana sleeping beside his bed like a watchman. Micah is having a bad dream and it shows by the language his body is giving out. The blankets have been kicked to the floor and the window is wide open. The curtains are blowing in on Micah as he lies shaking and curled up in a ball on the bed. Micah is saying various things in his sleep. Cold is standing over him in his room as he sleeps. Cold walks over to the bed and sits beside Micah and lovingly strokes his hair as he dreams. At the very touch of Cold hand Micah begins to wail bitterly. Not cry, not weep, but wail. The very touch of Cold is miserable it stinks. Cold leans over and whispers something into Micah’s ear.
COLD
In the end we all will fly Micah, up through the heavens to the fire and fry.
Cold gets up and leaves the room through the bedroom door. As he leaves, Micah catches a glimpse at the back of Cold as he walks though. The camera does a time shot sped up with Micah shaking until morning. Micah opens his eyes to see for the first time a poem written on the wall above his bed, it read, “In the end we all will fly, up to the heavens to the fire and fry.”

EXT. OUTDOOR BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
About 20 to 30 kids play basketball on two courts in a 4 court complex. Micah age 13 is standing alone, dribbling the ball, waiting for the game to be over so he can play.
BASKETBALL KID 1
11 - 10 us. Game point. You ready to walk home barefoot Trey?
TREY
Just check the ball.
Basketball kid 1 checks the ball to Trey who gives it back. The kid dribbles into the lane and takes a circus shot that manages to find the net.
BASKETBALL KID 1
Game. Gimmie your boots.
Trey sits down on the ground with embarrassment and takes off his shoes and hands them to the kid, who takes off his own ripped up shoes and throws them into the creek nearby. He then puts on Treys shoes and they begin picking teams. Micah is standing in the middle of them waiting to be picked, he isn’t.
BASKETBALL KID 1
Get off the court so we can play.
TREY
It’s alright Micah, let’s go.
Micah hesitates as if he were going to make a stand but is interrupted by basketball kid 1 throwing the ball at him and hitting him in the face. The kid picks up the ball and throws it again at him, then again hitting every time. Micah gets off the court in tears, shaking with fear. As he walks away, he turns and looks at basketball kid 1 and then to the road and Trey who is walking away toward the gate to leave. Through tear blurred eyes he makes out an image of a car pulling up and a hand reaching out of the window. He can’t make it out yet, but as he wiped his eyes and focuses, the shots cut through the air. All around him are kids running for the back fence, trying to get away as shot after shot is fired. Micah hits the ground on his face and stays down with his hands covering his head. Micah looks to the back fence and he sees all of the kids on the ground taking cover accept one. Trey. Trey is climbing the back fence when he is hit in the back with a bullet. The shots cease and the car drives off quickly.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Micah (12) is running as fast as he can while crying and trying to breathe. He runs a couple of blocks before he reaches his house.
INT. MICAH’S HOUSE - NIGHT
He opens the door and runs right past his mom who is looking at him bewildered but not alarmed. Micah runs to his room and goes behind a small little club house he has made under the top bunk of his bunk bed behind the dresser. Micah sits and weeps as silently as he can given what has just happened. He is quiet because he does not want his mom to hear. He turns on the radio to silence his cries. Micah pulls out from under his mattress, a razor blade and hold it to his lips as he weeps. Around him are toy trains, pictures from his football team, a poster of Walter Payton, and various other pictures. Micah picks up a picture of him and his deceased friend Chris from the small dresser and holds it to his forehead with the razor blade still in hand.
MICAH 12
I want to be where you are.
Micah continues to cry as he sets the picture in his lap, stroking the picture of Chris with his finger, and holds the razor first to his throat and then to his wrist. His hands shake as we holds it.
FADE OUT.
EXT. CITY STREET (FALL) - DAY
Camera focuses on Micah (19) as we walks down the same street as the church, nothing is said, just music. Micah is quiet today, just walking and looking at all of the places he is passing, he looks and sees a small child playing catch with the football and laughing. He walks further and sees a little old man and woman sitting together on their porch, as he looks at him they glance back and wave, Micah just turns his head from them and continues walking. Cold is not with him today, he is just sad. The shots change as he walks past the church and looks up at the statue of Mary holding Jesus, then looks up at the cross at the top of the church. Micah walks on down the road until he comes to a liquor store.
INT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY
Micah goes in and walks over to the counter pulls out a twenty.
MICAH
Bottle of the Captain please.
STORE CLERK
You 21?
MICAH
Yeah.
STORE CLERK
You sure?
Clerk looks at Micah with hesitation.
MICAH
You want my money or not?
The clerk gives the bottle to Micah who takes it exchanges the money and leaves the store.
FADE TO:

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 3

2008-07-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

INT. ELLIS’ CAR - DAY

OLLIE
What was that all about? You don’t know how to remove a bird.
MICAH
I know.
OLLIE
So we just going to ditch her?
MICAH
I can’t believe you would suggest such a thing, I run a serious and organized business here, we are going to go and remove these birds, right after we get our supplies from your house.
The car pulls up into Ollie and Ellis’ driveway.
MICAH
We have to hurry because I don’t know how long this is going to take. Just grab whatever you think will help and lets go.
EXT. OUTSIDE OLLIE AND ELLIS’ HOUSE - DAY
The guys run up the driveway and into the house.
FADE IN:
INT. THE TRENTON HOUSE - DAY
The camera focuses on Ellis who is standing in the hallway going through the hallway closet pulling out three large, white pillowcases, and a pair of yellow rubber gloves that he puts in the pillowcase. The camera cuts to Ollie who is in the backyard shed searching quickly for materials. Ollie pulls out a large fly swatter and a small stepladder. The camera then goes to Micah, who is in the kitchen going through the junk drawer on the cabinet. Micah pulls out a harmonica from the drawer and stares at it smiling as if this was the perfect tool for the job.
INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
The camera fades in to the video store that is in shambles. The drop ceiling has been ripped out all over the store. There is bird poop everywhere and the customers are walking by baffled as we see Micah on top of a ladder holding his harmonica.
MICAH
Ollie, come here with that pillow case.
OLLIE
Walking over to Micah who is now holding the harmonica to his lips.
MICAH
Hold that bag steady be ready to grab that bird when I say.
Micah blows on a couple of the notes and nothing happens, the room is now looking very mysteriously at Micah as he blows the high pitch sound. As he blows the note, the bird takes flight onto the drop ceiling frame by Micah.
MICAH
Now! Ollie grab him!
Ollie freezes up, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
MICAH
Ollie, grab him!
OLLIE
I can’t.
Micah grabs the bag from Ollie sending Ollie falling off of the ladder and throws it over a very large pigeon and scoops it into the bag. The audience of customers applaud as the two leave the store in shambles and exit to free the bird.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Micah and Ollie free the bird and the camera focuses on the bird as it flies away dropping one yellow feather into the air as it goes. Micah picks up the peculiar feather without an ounce of surprise and puts it into his pocket. The two then walk away to the car and leave the store a mess.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. A DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
The shot starts in a dream sequence. The colors are different now. Much darker, less color. Micah (19) is wandering down a dark road alone and it seems there is no one within a hundred miles of the place. The street lamps are flickering as he walks in bewilderment of where he is and how he got there. Micah hears a noise from behind him.
MICAH
Hello! Who’s there? Hello!
Yellow vapor begins seeping through the cracks of the walls on each side of him. The smell is pungent. Micah begins to panic as every step he takes seems to be the same as the one before, the same walls, the same buildings, the same vapor. The vapor begins to thicken now as he walks and becomes more scared. Micah walks by a homeless man lying on the ground in the street. Micah approaches him as if for comfort. But before he can get to the man, the man lifts up his head and looks right at Micah.
HOMELESS MAN
Hello Micah.
MICAH
I don’t understand. Shut up.
HOMELESS MAN
What’s not to understand? You are trapped and you just cannot get out, am I right?
The homeless man coughs up some vapor.
MICAH
Yeah, but how did you....
HOMELESS MAN
Don’t you worry about that, I have always known you. You aren’t a very happy soul are you?
Camera goes to Micah who just looks and does not dare say a word.
CUT TO:

INT. MICAH’S APARTMENT ROOM - NIGHT
The camera flashes in from the dream momentarily as Micah is sitting in a trance-like state rapidly painting something on the wall of his room. This is the first of the paintings, it will not be the last.
BACK TO:
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
HOMELESS MAN (COLD)
Cover me in ashes and abandon me in the cold, I’ll still be here, I’ll still exist. Of this you can be sure. Where you are, I am. You can shut the door on me, but I will burst through. Be assured that we will be spending a great deal of time together. You may find it easier to recognize me now. My name is Cold.
The Homeless man has now changed to the face of Cold and then vanishes into thin air and Micah is again left alone and now cold. Micah begins walking back down the alley and as he walks, he hears more and more noises from behind him. The vapor is coming more rapidly now as Micah begins to run. The scenes jumps back and forth between Micah painting, now much more frantically as Micah twitches, and the alley where Micah is now running and the vapor has consumed him.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. MICAH’S APARTMENT ROOM - DAY
Micah wakes up as the dream reaches its climax. It is morning now and Micah bewildered, sits up and scans his room until he comes to the wall he has just painted. What he sees is a dark field covered by storm clouds. In the field there is a dead tree with a headstone under it, obviously his own. In the clouds there is a face looking down with a single tear falling from the sky. Under the painting lies and inscription, “Cover me with ashes and abandon me in the cold, I’ll still be here, I’ll still exist.” Micah sits staring at the painting, motionless all day, and the camera cuts and picks back up at night with him still staring at that picture.
FADE OUT.
EXT. THE PARK - DAY
Camera goes to a young man in his twenties standing and playing guitar in the park. His name is Tom. Micah (6 or 7 years old) sits at his feet listening intently as the melody rips through the trees covering every crevice of open air. As the sax plays on the camera flashes to Tom and Micah sitting together on the grass. Tom is looking intensely into Micah’s eyes and Micah looks intently into Tom’s.
TOM
One day, Micah, this park, this city, and everything in it will be gone. Its buildings reduced to rubble, its people turned to ashes. No more will you see children playing in this park, the birds will not fly in this air, this air is polluted. Unbearable. Uninhabitable. I don’t expect you to understand this now, but one day, you will remember what I have told you.
Micah looks stunned and horrified, yet fascinated.
TOM
Have you ever wondered why ants work so hard to build their underground fortresses and store up enough food for a lifetime. Its because they feel it too. They sense it coming. Most people have no idea, they just go about their normal lives doing normal things, dreaming dreams that will never come living lives that are lost. I had dreams, I had big dreams, dreams of becoming a doctor, or a fireman, or even a pro hockey player, but I have learned that I will never reach my goals, even the trivial, because dreams are just that, dreams. They mean nothing, just something invented by someone to make our lives more livable, more pleasant; mind control to boost morale in the people. The truth is this; There are no dreams that come true, no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny and there is no God, it’s all a lie; we just haven’t figured it out yet. Life lets you strive for your dreams and go for the gold and even lets you get close, but will never let you win. You get where you think you want to be and find out that nothing has changed, you still have that longing. I have come to the conclusion that you deal with whatever life brings you, you do whatever God, or whoever, wants you to do, in the end it’s all the same, you grow old and change from one strange era of life to another and die. School has an end just like summertime, sooner or later its all going to get cold and you will find out that everything you have lived for all your life has left you freezing.
The scene changes to show the very same park in the very same neighborhood, destroyed, with people milling about hopelessly with no place really to go, just moving. Graffiti on the walls of the houses, doors all boarded up, and the streets empty. Tom has now changed, he wears the same close, but has the face of the homeless man (Cold). The scene quickly changes back to the quiet park, where Tom has left Micah lying on the grass alone and sleeping. Micah gets up and begins to walk home a couple of houses down and enters into the front door.
FADE OUT.
INT. GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
Camera fades into the gymnasium of St. Augustine Academy, Micah’s School. The score is 41 to 29 and Augustine is losing. The players are playing their hearts out. The players on the court are Micah, Ellis, Cody, Shorty, and Devon. Although losing this game against their unbeaten rivals, Augustine is playing their best game to date. It is a miracle that they are even in this game. Micah is shown driving the lane to the hoop where he dishes the ball off to Ellis for the lay up. Apostolic returns the favor with a three pointer that was sorely defended. Augustine moves back down the court where Micah shoots a forced three pointer and bricks it. Exhausted Augustine walks back down the court as Apostolic hustles past them to the hoop for another bucket. Exasperated, Augustines coach calls a time out to talk to his players.
COACH
What the heck is going on here? Where are you guys right now? Your already beaten aren’t you? Micah, you try a half court shot, when we are down by 13 with 5 minutes left? Where are you.
Micah doesn’t even look up. He just stands there doubled over and sweating all over the place.
COACH
You want to sit down? You are the captain of this team and you are giving up. Where is your heart you guys, you are in this game, you are not beaten, they are not better than you today. Micah! Look at me. Lead your team.
The horn blows and Augustine’s team walks back onto the floor. Micah’s head is spinning and the room goes quiet. The camera pans to the cheerleaders who are cheering enthusiastically, then to the crowd who are silently but violently rooting their team on. The coach is yelling undecipherable things at the players. Micah looks at his mother, Maxine, who is sitting silently worried. Sitting next to his mother is Cold who watches with a grin. He looks in slow motion at Ellis who is looking back at him, their eyes meet and they exchange a familiar look. Micah begins to stagger a little backwards but does not fall. The room still spins around for Micah as the ball is handed over to Cody for the inbound. As the ball is passed to a bewildered Micah, the scene goes to real time and Micah is off down the court with the ball. Micah finds Cody in the post and Cody turns and shoots and scores. The scene goes from clip to clip as we see Micah hit a three pointer. Ellis hit a lay up after having blocked an Apostolic shot. The camera shows numerous shot being sunk by Augustine and Micah is on a role but looking at Cold frequently. Micah cannot miss right now as he leads his team to a 1 point lead with 15 seconds left. The crowd is cheering and the scene goes again to slow motion, as Apostolic’s point guard brings the ball up court. He stops to set up offense with a little over 8 seconds remaining. The crowd is on their feet and Micah is distracted by Cold walking in front of the rim and just standing their looking at Micah who looks back and is distracted long enough for the Apostolic point guard to heave up a prayer with Shorty in his face. The ball finds its way to the rim and just before the rip of the net, Cold exchanges a grin at Micah who is watching him and not the ball. The shot scores and Apostolic wins as their team runs onto the court to congratulate them. Augustine’s varsity basketball team hit the floor in agony except for Micah who is standing still, watching as Cold walks right out of the gym.
CUT TO:
INT. LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT
The team stands quietly except for the yelling and screaming of Shorty who is bashing everyone in the room except for himself. He looks at Ellis who is sitting silently and screams at him.
SHORTY
You suck Ellis, you can’t even hit a lay up, you have been playing for 100 years and you can’t even hit a lay up.
Shorty punches a locker as the coach sits quietly watching the scene play out.
SHORTY
We had it. We had it. What happened to you Micah? Where are you? Where were you?
Shorty walks gingerly past Micah picking up his bag on the way.

SHORTY
You suck. (to Micah under his breath)

Micah does not even look at him, he just lunges and throws Shorty against the locker. Shorty hits the ground and gets up and runs out of the locker room. As the team exits the locker room Ellis is the last one out except for Micah. Ellis puts a towel on Micah’s head and walks out of the room. Micah has not even attempted to change from his uniform yet and sits there with a blank stare. Ellis comes and sits down next to Micah who is sitting head held low and says nothing, just sits, after several seconds, Ellis pats Micah on the leg and gets up and goes to the next room in the locker room. The camera focuses back on Micah who sits and stares blankly at Cold who is standing in front of the door as if he were not going to let Micah leave this room. Micah gets up to change and he feels a very fast and sharp pain in his chest. The pain subsides for a moment and when Micah begins to get a hold of himself and continue it returns too strong for Micah’s strength and he collapses to the ground shaking violently. Ellis come in from the next room and tries to help Micah. Micah lies on the ground shaking in pain and grimacing, yet his eyes are fixed on the eyes of Cold who is standing in the doorway, smoking a cigarette and leaning against the doorway.
ELLIS
Micah! Micah!
Ellis grabs Micah
MICAH
Don’t touch me! Oh God, don’t touch me!
Ellis kneels over Micah silently, with nothing he can do but wait this one out and pray. Micah does not take his eyes off Cold in defiance, as Cold turns and leaves the locker room. As the door closes, the pain subsides and Micah passes out.
FADE OUT.

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 2

2008-07-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

INT. THE LIBRARY - NIGHT
Micah sits at a large table leafing vigorously through a rather large book. The camera zooms to show pictures of suicides. The first page is of a man hanging from a tree by the neck. Pictures are pencil drawn and of minimal detail.
MICAH
No, too long to die, way too long.
Micah turns the page and what he sees is a picture of a girl who has cut her wrists and is lying in a bath tub.
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - NIGHT
Back in the confessional.
MICAH
I like the mess the razor makes, but its really just a cry for help, I’d be found two weeks later still breathing and committed.

INT. THE LIBRARY - NIGHT
Micah getting frustrated turns the page again to see writing and on the next page, more writing, and the next the same, and the same, until Micah throws the book across the room as the woman at the end of the table watches in fear. Micah walks down the long aisles of books letting his fingers glide down all of the bindings of the books as he walks, camera focuses on the hand. Micah walks right out the front door, swinging both doors open as wide as the hinges will allow.
CUT TO:
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - NIGHT
MICAH
So what do I have to do to make this right with God?
FATHER MCAFFEREY
I don’t know if you could ever make suicide right with God. Are you looking for a way out?
MICAH
Don’t you think I’ve tried that. No one wants to die, the thought of not existing is unbearable. And I think that is why religion is so attractive to people. If we can believe there is no real end to life, it makes our lives easier to bear. It’s what keeps an old man from going insane with fear in his bed. But it seems to me that this is just another lie we tell ourselves. Life really can be more unbearable than death for some people.
FATHER MCAFFEREY
Son, I don’t really know what to tell you right now, except for you don’t have to live this way. (Micah rolls his eyes) I know, I know, I don’t know you or what you have been through, but if you would just open your mind to some of these fairy tales you keep talking about, you might find some truth in there somewhere. Something to give you peace.
MICAH
OK. I gotta go now, I’ve got a show tonight. See you around. (Micah smiles as he says this)
Micah leaves the church.
CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH - NIGHT
Micah lights a cigarette and stares up at the bell tower of this large Catholic church, he then picks up a couple blades of grass, and throws them into the wind while looking up to the bell tower, imagery meant to show his desire to fly from the top of that tower. Micah begins walking back down the street that is by now virtually empty toward his house.
MICAH
(Narrated) Love is an interesting topic of discussion for today, would you like to tell me about the time that you felt most loved? No thanks doctor, but would you like to know why I hate dogs? I was in eighth grade and I was walking to school one morning, walking to school is what little boys do sometimes, when I saw before me, about a hundred yards away, two horses, at least they looked like horses, turns out they were pit bulls, what luck. I began to run shortly after they started chasing me, but too late to hop a fence. So I ran. The horses gained a lot of ground as I neared my street and I started to hear them panting and snarling, and doing that thing that horses do when they sneeze, and I could feel hot air on my ankles. What do you do Micah? Scream, no by the time help arrives; I'll be a biscuit. Turn and try to fight? That is now the funniest idea I've ever had. Maybe I'll reason with them. I'll just turn around and explain why a skinny little boy like me would never make a good meal, why they would be much more satisfied with a nice packet of oat meal. I jumped. I jumped right up onto a car and I was saved until help arrived, that, Dr. Smorgasbord, is why I hate dogs, and walking to school. Those things are real. Love is nothing more than a lie among a thousand others I have chosen to adopt.
FADE TO:
INT. ELLIS AND OLIVER’S HOUSE - DAY

Camera fades out from a close up from Micah’s face pressed against the floor of Ellis’s bedroom. The camera fades out to see Ellis sleeping on his bed and the alarm clock reading 11:34. Micah wakes and looks around the messy room, slightly disoriented, but comfortable.
MICAH
We going to school today? Ellis?
ELLIS
What! (Half-asleep)
MICAH
We goin to school today?
ELLIS
What time is it?
MICAH
11:30.
ELLIS
I don’t care, whatever you want to do.
MICAH
Let’s go cause some trouble.
ELLIS
What about Ollie? Did he go to school?
MICAH
I don’t know yet, but if he is he’ll be sorry he did.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIS AND OLLIE’S HOUSE...OLLIE’S ROOM - DAY
Ollie is sleeping on the recliner in the living room, he is sucking his thumb and holding on to a pillow and is wearing a a pair of shorts and some argyle dress socks.
ELLIS
Get up Ollie!
OLLIE
What! (Jumping to a sitting position)
ELLIS
Come on, we gotta go.
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
Micah, Ellis, and Ollie are pacing slowly up and down the aisle of this small video store. There are a small amount of people here at this time of day on a Tuesday afternoon. There are sounds of birds chirping violently and annoyingly. Micah, and the guys are walking and trying to ignore this for a while until frustration overcomes Ellis and he comments.
ELLIS
What is that? What is that stupid noise?
OLLIE
Sounds like birds gettin busy.
Micah walks away silently out of the picture while Ollie picks up a movie from the rack and shows it to Ellis.
ELLIS
What the heck is that?
Ollie holds up a copy of Rhinestone, the movie.
OLLIE
What, its Stallone, you’ve got to love Stallone.
ELLIS
You idiot.
OLLIE
What the heck is Micah doing?
They both look to see Micah speaking with the clerk at the desk. They approach to see what they are talking about.
MICAH
Two years now, I can take care of this problem.
CLERK
I don’t know, my boss isn’t here, and I don’t think I can authorize spending petty cash without her approval.
MICAH
Who said anything about money, I’m not charging you for my service, I enjoy your video store, and your service, and I would be glad to remove these birds for free. Most people give me 100 to 150 bucks to remove one bird, and from the sound of it you have at least three up there. You need help and I can help you, what is there to be approved?
Clerk stands and stares reluctantly for a moment two at Micah who looks sincere in his respect for this woman. After a couple of moments, Micah gives the girl a warm smile and she returns the smile with flirtatious one.
CLERK
OK. But try to get it done by five because my boss comes in at 6.
MICAH
You got it, be right back
Micah flashes her another smile and walks out the door with Ollie and Ellis trailing in bewilderment.
CUT TO:

This Is My Suicide Letter, Part 1

2008-07-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

THIS IS MY SUICIDE LETTER (2006)
By: Adam Coffman. Shooting Script
FADE IN:
INT. OPENING - N/A
Black screen exposes the title, This Is My Suicide Letter, written three times on the screen.
INT. BLACK SCREEN - N/A
MICAH
(Through Black screen) There are elements of my life that I hate, ie. my sleeping patterns, my lack of motivation, and my ability to see in the dark.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Micah lies on a bench outside a courtroom staring at a small hole in the toe of a woman’s pantyhose, this woman is his mothers friend and Micah is lying on her lap. You can here the proceedings of the courtroom going on from the outside. Micah reaches down to the toe and begins fingering the hole in the hose making the hole bigger as the doors of the courtroom bust open and Micah’s father, Jim Courd steps out laughing and joking around with his lawyer. Following are other people, then Micah’s mother (Maxine Mcbain) weeping and holding her head to the floor as she exits without a lawyer from the courtroom.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM
The party of people are now by the sidewalk outside of the courtroom and Maxine approaches Jim Courd while he is walking to his car.
MAXINE
This isn’t over!
JIM
Judge says it is, so it is.
MAXINE
Your really going to walk out of here after looking at your son, you’re just going to turn your head and go about your worthless life knowing you have a son somewhere growing up without a dad.
JIM
Listen! (Angry, then calms himself) Maxine, this boy is not my child, you need to understand that, why don’t you go and check with any other guys you may have been with.
MAXINE
You are it, I was only with you, you know that, don’t do this. Not to Micah.
Jim looks back at Maxine, then over to Micah who is with Maxine’s friend, and walks away to his car.
FADE OUT.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT
Camera fades in to a neighborhood at night. There is a large white house and a picket fence around it. This is the kind of house you would see in a Norman Rockwell painting. The house combusts in flames spontaneously and burns to the ground violently.
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. UNDER A TREE - DAY
Micah writes in his suicide letter.
EXT. CITY STREET (CHRISTMAS) - NIGHT
Camera zooms out to show the teenage (19) face of Micah Mcbain. He is walking down a suburban street passing house after house lit up with Christmas lights and shoveled snow.
MICAH
(Narrated) In my life, I have only known two fears, Nuclear holocaust and airplanes. When I was young, we lived next to a park that I played in everyday. At this park is where I met Tom. Tom was a young man in his early twenties who used to sit in that park and play guitar all day long. (Camera Flash to Tom in the park) Tom was my best friend until I moved again a year later. He was an interesting mammal that had deep and scary visions of the future. It was from Tom that I learned about nuclear holocaust. Tom assured me that the old A-bomb was inevitable. The A-bomb would kill everyone in sight, and they say that Detroit is one of the major targets because of the car companies and nuclear plant, or so Tom said. So I have lived my life in expectation of the coming missile that will end our existence here in Michigan. Tom was a jerk. I was only eight or nine and I was all ready to build a fallout shelter. But today the threat still exists. Airplanes I fear for the obvious reasons. You are stuck in a tin can thousands of feet above any walking individual. You are up there above the clouds and all is well and then turbulence. The wings start shaking and the lights flicker, then you here the captain come on the speakers, "Bing, passengers, please fasten your seat belts because we are about to plummet out of the sky to the ocean and all of us will die, so let us help the rescue guys to find our bodies by fastening ourselves to the floating chairs, thank-you and enjoy your death." These things are the only fears I have had until now. It's really trivial when you think about it. Both fears bring instant death, when I should be fearing the things that bring long term death. The things that you see in an old man's eyes when you make a visit to the nursing home. This is more painful than the act of death itself. I just want to go quickly and without pain.
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - NIGHT
Micah drops a bottle of booze on the ground. The bottle does not break, but makes a long and annoying bang and rolls to the curb. Micah walks inside of a huge Catholic church and sits inside one of the confessionals. After a couple of seconds, a priest walks in and sits down.
FATHER MCAFFEREY
How can I help you son?
MICAH
Bless me Father for I have sinned and am about to sin. This is my first confession so I do not know really know how it works here, you know what I have to do to be forgiven by God or better yet, what does He have to do to be forgiven by me?
FATHER MCAFFEREY
What’s your name son?
MICAH
Micah Mcbain. I have been to this mass before and have listened to all of your stories of Jesus and God’s love for us and I’m not sure that I agree, I don’t really know what I believe. I guess I’m just searching for some kind of answer, some kind of vengeance. That’s why I am here.
FATHER MCAFFEREY
Vengeance? Against who?
MICAH
I don’t really know, my dad, God, you?
FATHER MCAFFEREY
I don’t really understand.
MICAH
Let me explain. His name was Chris, and he was my best friend. He was like the John Lennon of my neighborhood, he had girls and friends...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MICAH’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Micah (12) and Chris are sitting Indian style on the floor playing Nintendo furiously. The phone rings and Micah pauses the game and answers.
MICAH 12
It’s your mom.
Chris takes the phone and talks to his mother as Micah walks back and cheats on the Nintendo game. Moments later Chris walks back into the room.
CHRIS
I gotta go home my mom and dad want to talk to me I think they found out what happened to the cat. Anyway, come over in like thirty minutes, they can’t kill me with you there.
MICAH 12
Alright sweetie, be there in a minute
Chris leaves the house through the front door and enters his own house.
CUT TO:
INT. CHRIS’S HOUSE - DAY
He enters his house which is a decent size house, not rich, but not poor either. Chris’ mom and dad are sitting across from each other on the couches talking silently when he walks in.
CHRIS’S MOM
Hi sweetie, how was school?
CHRIS
Fine, what’s going on
CHRIS’S MOM
Have a seat.
Chris walks over to the couch and sits down.
CHRIS’S MOM
Honey your father and I have been talking and we have come to some decisions that may change what home is like for you. These decisions we have made are not your fault and have nothing to do with you, you must know that we love you very much and would do anything for you and would never try to hurt you.
Camera closes in on Chris’ blank face.
CHRIS’S DAD
Chris, what your mother is trying to tell you is that I will be leaving here and moving to California to work there. I will not be returning for a very long time. Your mother and I have decided to get a divorce and I will be leaving you with her to take care of the household. You have to be a man here Chris, you need to take care of your mother and not be a baby and cry. You are now a man and I expect that you will act like one. I am leaving tomorrow morning before you get up, so we should talk about this tonight before bed. But I assure you that once I get myself established there, I’ll send for you on holidays and summers.
The room is so silent and tense you could cut it with a knife. Chris sits staring blankly with tears in his eyes silently.
CHRIS’S MOM
Chris don’t you want to talk about this?
Chris gets up and leave the room, he walks past his mother and father and right to the staircase that leads to his bedroom. He climbs the stares to his bedroom and enters.
FADE OUT.
INT. CHRIS’ HOUSE - DAY
Micah approaches Chris’ house and knocks on the door. Chris’ mom answers the door.
MICAH 12
Hi Mrs. Cotter, is Chris in too much trouble for me to come in?
CHRIS’S MOM
No, he is right upstairs, go on up.
Micah enters the house and goes up stairs quickly , excited to found out what happened, he bursts open the door of Chris’ room and stops dead in his tracks. He is speechless, or better yet unable to speak, unable to do anything, what he sees is Chris hanging by his throat from his ceiling fan, eyes wide open. Micah stares horrified, yet curiously at his friend hanging there for a moment. Chris’ mother comes walking up the stares to Chris’ room and walks in. She is also stopped in her tracks and lets out a loud shriek that startles his father and sends him running up the stairs to find the same. The camera pans over to the desk where there is a note that says, I’m sorry on it, written in red marker.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - NIGHT
MICAH
I went to the library yesterday, to study historical, and efficient ways to end my own life. You really wouldn’t believe the amount of books there are on killing yourself, found them in the life-style section. Funny that one’s death could be a life-style but if you knew me, you would see to be fitting for me.

New Blog for Various and Random Work

2008-07-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting a feature length script that I have written. I will post a few pages per day to make the reading a bit lighter. Hope you enjoy, this one is a bit disturbing at times.